A Journey Called Life

When???

2011-08-22T22:56:00.002+08:00

After so many days, I thought I can get over it. But... It takes up a whole lot of sacrifice in order for me to let go of it. When can I end all these???

Too DEEP

2011-08-01T23:46:00.003+08:00

I don't know. I don't know why. When I'm in the hole of unhappiness, why didn't you pull me back up? Why? Why do you keep pushing me back into it? I know you are an independent person. I am too. When you say you will go out with me, I'm super happy. Even if my friend did plan an outing with me, I'd still cancel theirs & go to yours. Cause I knew that we can hardly had a chance to see each other. So whenever you are free with me, I'll be the one there for you. But what about me? I don't know. It seems that friends is more important. More important than me. I don't know. How many days can others see me happy? I meant days, not minutes. Haven't been a day I'm happy. I know you are busy. I know that you know I can take care of myself. But I really don't know what to do. I always tell my friend that you love me a lot, you care for me, you really do find time for me. However, IT WAS A LIE? Am I wrong? I'm afraid. Afraid to ask you out. Afraid being reject again. Other people can look down on me. They can say bad about me. BUT HOW CAN YOU??? Thought YOU should be the one supporting me like how I supported you? How come I don't feel it? When I'm alone, were you there for me? I'm sick of sitting here in my room all the time when I'm at home. I rather be with you even if just in a house. I rather spend time with you watching television, eating together or even chat together. I can't feel it's happening anymore. I can't. Simple to say, I'll do my things, you'll do your things. We'll still be together. But... I really do hope it won't be ended by me. Like how you hope so. To be honest with you, I DO, still love you. Please do not let me loose this feelings cause I felt it's fading. Please. Show me that you love me. Pull me back from this hole... Please tell me that you are the one. If you don't pull me back up, I rather hurt myself every night like what I'm doing. Waiting for the day to come. The day of death.

Unhappy Events

2011-07-30T23:08:00.003+08:00

What should I do when I'm not happy? Have I ever been happy these days? Friends comparing my appearance, close friend not turning up for outing as planned, friends who talk bad about another friends... I feel like I'm on a stage acting out a play following a script written by someone unknown. So many problems. How to settle all when it comes all in a bunch? Where else can I go to relieve all these???? Sigh!!!!!!!

No More Complains

2011-07-28T00:38:00.003+08:00

Today was a really bad luck day or is it not? Woke up & heard a message about my colleague couldn't attend work due to not well. I did not hesitate but to get ready to go work. Can say sometimes I do love working. Especially it eats up my free time plus..... money comes in to me. But then, lacking of staff is already a disaster. Having an accident while working is worst than an event of so called "2012" which they thought it may end the world. Halfway working I was being knocked by 1 of my colleague & whole bowl of hot soup poured to my hand. OUCH!!!!! SSSHHRRRRR!!!!! DAMN HOT!!! But then, 1 of them helped me by applying salt on it. Says that it help prevent blisters. Well, gotta wait till tomorrow only can find out. Maybe like what they said that I'm a little "pussy". Sorry for being rude but that is what they mean about sissy in a polite term. It was pain & it made my tears out from my eyes. Plus, having a nose bleed at the same time which I guess it was not normal. However, for them, it's just a minor injuries. Nothing much to care about. Probably in working industry, "PAIN" does not exist. If you are in pain, you are a "pussy". So, a small cut, a serious burn or not, a knocked, a twist or whatever, is not a pain. Set this into your mind, Nicz. But of course only death is what matters to them which you won't consider a (not gonna mention that word again...). Tsk tsk tsk, something tells me that you wanna hear about my love life??? Haha.... Guess I really don't wanna say it out cause, well, it really hurts my feelings. No one will care either I think. So, let it be. Gotta sleep now. Panda eyes is getting worse & worse... Sigh.... Blogging again next time... Bye....

Nite Mare~~~~~~~

2011-07-24T01:08:00.002+08:00

I had a dream. It was not a dream but consider as a nite mare to me. I dun wanna talk about this nite mare. It's been haunting me these few days. After i had this nite mare, our relationship has been worsen. It's like an apple turning into rotten where by invaders like worms will come & attack it. If it happens, there'll be a hole in the apple. Just like a heart which has it's scar now. It can't be healed. Memory is always there. I feel pain. I feel unhappy. I feel so inhuman. There are moments I actually thought I live for what? Just go grab a knife & stab it. It won't only leave a scar but it leaves everything behind. Do I still remember all this things when I die? Things are getting worse day by day. I just don't have the purpose of living.

Hate Hate Hate!!!!!!

2011-06-05T01:10:00.003+08:00

So long has been past since my last post. Everytime when I post something here, it shows that I really don't know what to do. Everyday I've been feeling so down. So stressed. So emotional uncontrolled. Just only I found a job that I always say I love it & then now I'm gonna quit it. What were my problems? How shall I start? Hmm~~~

Can start by saying, I hate myself. People keep telling me to love myself. How can I try to love myself if I can't even take care of myself?

I hate to stay at home. Or shall I say I hated home so much. Everyday I would here a lot of problems going on. Me being blamed, family members being blamed, out friends being blamed. Everyone we know were to be blamed. I just wish I could say out about this but I just can't open my mouth. The mouth disagrees with the words to be say out.

I wonder if God gave me the same reason with everyone to live in this problematic world... Dear God, I'm clueless. Hope I can find the real answer to it before I end my life. Feeling so sleepy now & don't wanna go sleep. Sigh~~~~ Be right back.

Back to College (Day 1 of Sem 7)

2011-01-17T23:32:00.003+08:00

First day of college. Or should I say back to college after weeks of holidays. Probably more than a month I guess. It was like as if I first time went to college. Back to the same classroom we were there before when it was our really first day started our college. The feeling was like I just left secondary & wanting to further study in college. Well, should stop all this crap. Early morning already a boring sub. But kinda interesting as the class move on with the theories. It's only the first class. What you expect? Choosing group for group assignment as I knew was a big problem. But lucky I'm in the group members which I preferred to work with. As the time goes on, it was my economics class. Unbelievable that I saw 1 of my senior stayed back for this subject as he failed badly in his previous final. OMG! Is it gonna be that hard for this paper? Somethings tells me that it's like marketing subject but well, have to go for few more classes to find out.

After the class, I felt so relieve. There goes first day of classes. Four of us included my girlfriend went to pyramid to play some bowlings. It was fun as I finally knew how to hold & throw the ball. Got quite a few strikes. Felt really happy. Is it true that Mondays are always my lucky day? I wonder~~~ After 2 games of bowling, we went to karaoke at Red Box. I sang like crazy till now when I write this blog, I still haven't really got my original voice back. Hopefully I don't get a soar throat tomorrow morning. Lucky that there is no presentation tomorrow or else I'm gonna drink a litre of honey lemon to at least try get back my voice. So then, I'll call it a day. Now is 11.41pm & my hair is still a little wet. Gotta wait till it's dry then sleep. Adios amigos...

Why 10 Years???

2011-01-16T10:15:00.002+08:00

Just woke up in the morning & saw a message from my friend. It was stated "just want everyday be beside him". It made me think back of my relationship. I can't even recall if I heard this myself from her. Cause she never said it! I feel sad at times when I say my love out to her but she never. I don't know why & when I asked, she'll say 10 years later. Why is it have to be 10 yrs later? Is it stated in a relationship law? Is there someting else that makes her wanted to say it 10 years later? Or am I not performed enough? Where does the problems occured? Should she be like this or should she not be like this? Wondering~~~~

For now I'm having soar throat. Sigh~~~ Just 1 more day before college starts & I'm getting sick. Can I be more healthy? Sigh~~~

What a Day....

2011-01-15T00:27:00.004+08:00

You readers must be wondering how was my day today right???? Not as bad as I presume but just a little boring this year's celebration. You know, compared to last year, it was a whole group of my semester's friends came celebrate with me in Pyramid's Fish Manhattan. And also got a BIG BIG PRESENT. HAHA!!!!! You know what I like most. Sometimes, present don't really makes me happy. What makes me happy is just wishes that I received from my closes friends to my family & to the one I'm in love with. It tells me that no matter how far I am or how long we've not seen each other, we still can keep in touch. Well, I really have to thanks to Facebook for the best social website I've ever used.

As usual my day in the morning was the same as everyday. But then I don't really feel sleepy as I woke up early in the morning. But of course, it won't keep me awake that long. I had to go back continue sleep till 10am. Once I woke, I saw soooooooo many wishes from my frineds in Facebook. I felt really happy to see these wishes. Really happy no joke. Even some SMSes me to wish me as well. Then in evening, spent time wit my gf where we ate Kenny Roadgers Roaster & played 1 round of bowling. Though I were not so good compared to the Nintendo Wii but yet I enjoyed it. However some things seems to trouble my heart again. I don't understand what was it that causes me this. Well, today is my big day. Better not ruin it with nonsense.

By the way, result was out the midnight before. When my friend told me, I hesitated whether or not to open it. I was wondering, will the college school gives me a great birthday surprise???? Or a surprise that I have to think of a way to ask my parents for some money to resit the papers??? Which is it? Though I was thinking hard but my fingers aren't listening to me. It opened the website & straight the login ID & password was typed in automatically without any error. My hand was a little shaking when I moved my mouse to the result function. I just paused when my pointer was on the way clicking the result icon. Should I open it or should wait till the next day which is today morning. Well, enough of my long story process I guessed. I just clicked.... .... .... .... It was like my entire surrounding at took a deeeeeeep breathe before it was back to normal... I passed.. I PASSED!!!!! OMG!!!!! I can't believe I can pass all the subjects even most of it were management. WOW!!!!! What a present given by SHTLM School. Have to really thanks to the lecturer who helped me to get a passed for the management subject. Well... That's all I have to say about my result. Nothing much to worry except for my final 3 subjects before I can graduate from Diploma.

Tomorrow have to wake early, again, to go have a look at my high school's Red Crescent Society. Can't wait to see my juniors.

Things Getting Better & Surprises ON THE WAY!!!! :)

2011-01-13T21:08:00.004+08:00

Things are sorting out the right way as time goes by. It was just yesterday we had a talk. Though there were a lot of quarrel in between but I guess it could be a way of getting to know each other better. Like a friend I knew in a social network where he says life is full of ups & downs. Even if the bridge are block by the tree logs, there must be a way to get over it to cross that bridge. Nothing is impossible if we just give some faith in ourselve to sort things out.

Today I went through my life better compared to few days ago. Probably because there were things in my heart which I did not able to express out which causes that rock to be there in my heart. Some of my friends & even my mom had told me some experience about my problems. It is not hard to settle if we just make a simple move, which is 'open your mouth & say it out'. All these time I have been keeping things in my heart for so long. Some asked me why do I get emo most of the time? All I told them was just my expression that shows I'm being emo. Doesn't mean I'm being emo that time. Well, it'll be difficult to see my happy face most of the time but who knows if I would change in future? You may not see me happy today but tomorrow I night be a different person. Sigh... What a LIFE...

As for tomorrow, it's my 20th birthday. Still wondering how I'm gonna manage my whole day. Is it follow my entire 2 weeks life style? Wake up in the morning about 6.25am. Fetch bro & cousin sis to school. Come back sleep till 11.20am. Then bath go fetch bro from school & sis to school. Come back & watch movies. These are the things I do everyday non-stop. Can't complain anyways. Can I change my birthday's day lifestyle?

What would I like to do during my day? Hmmm... Waking up early in the morning without being wake by the annoying alarm clock. Going downstair & have a GREAT breakfast from mom. Afternoon can spend time with my girlfriend going for movies or even cycling (my best interest). Dinner with her or friends. Then come back late in the middle of the night seeing birthday presents full on top of my study table. Well.. I have to tell myself this "Nick, stop dreaming..." Sigh.... Hope I'll get the best birthday celebration tomorrow. Hopefully... What I want for my birthday presents??? Haha!!! Don't even think about it. I'm not exposing it here. For me, I prefer surprises. Let's see what sort of surprise I might have tomorrow. :-)

It can't be.....

2011-01-12T20:04:00.003+08:00

Have I been worried lately?? Over reacted?? Too protected?? There were once people told me that a boy & a girl who has the most common characteristic will not be together easily. Even if they were together for a period of time, there will sure be problems coming into our relationship. Some of them told me that my relationship wont be long. I never trusted them & tell them that I'll challenge what they say are all false. However, they were not all wrong. Not to say I've lose it but I just don't know if it will be something soon to come. Felt like as if a tsunami will wash away all my feelings deep from my heart. Sometimes to express that I'm worry, I afraid I may disturbed her from bed, from socializing with other friends, from doing her outside activities with her seniors. Is it wrong to get worry?! Why can't a simple message telling me what were you doing? An activity was said to be just an event in the morning but then till evening there were no news. I magine a period time of 3 movies which I've watched while waiting for a message. After the movie, I wanted to send her a message but I feel afraid that she'll say I'm annoying. This is what happened to me the day before when I asked her why so late? She scolded me & said it was very annoying. From then, my heart just like a rock grew inside it causing all blood stop flowing. Is there a cure to remove the rock away? Can I put faith in myself again to restore the heart? Can I please stop this tears from flowing out everytime I experience this? All I need is just faith to challenge myself that my friends were wrong about what they said from the beginning. They can't be right. It.. can't.. be........

Back from the Break... Comes Another Emoness...

2011-01-06T23:32:00.004+08:00

Dear readers... You must have been thinking why so long I have not been posting here. But I guess I will start back continuing my blog. Having a relationship was what I wanted long ago. There are a lot of things that I feel not satisfied. Probably it was my problems. Having a partner staying close to you all the time needs a lot of understanding. We need to know each others likes & dislikes, getting to know the family background & all sort of stuffs. It's like another step to study other than career. Is it a way of getting through life? After all this time, I found out that there are a lot differences. I felt it hard to getting well with it especially our interests. There are things I really love to do but she won't be able to accompany me doing it. Most of the plan has been canceled. These were the times I've been feeling very very sad not to mention I'm back being emo again. I tried to give way & let time makes us better but as I moved on, things are getting hard to control. I don't wanna lose this relationship but how can I move on? Can please teach me what should I do? I don't even dare to tell her that I'm feeling all these as she may think I'm a useless person. But on the other hand, I am useless right? How often I made her happy compare to ended up quarrel? SHould I really find ways talking to god? I heard some of my friends say reading bible can help opens up someone's mind. Is it true? What should I do?????!!!!!!!!!

No Life is Better

2010-06-25T22:16:00.002+08:00

Dear readers, you must be wondering how come so long I did not post anything here. Can say I'm a bit busy but in actual fact I have nothing to share until recently. I've asked about the degree programme & was so exciting feeling wanting to go. Went to discuss with my parents & they say my interest doesn't seems to be there. Is it true? All along they see me having more interest on hands-on job rather than management. They ask me this question,'should I waste the money to study something I have no interest in?'. I don't know how my future wants to be. How I want to move on. Even if I can get enough points to reduce 1 year of degree, they can't even support me. If they can, what about my bro & sis? Can they still support them then?
Hotel training or in other words, working in a hotel now is not my cup of tea anymore. I don't seems to have interest in hotel life. Have I chosen the wrong course to study? Making me no mood day by day. Even after work where I have all my time with friends, my mood is isn't there. Just this morning I had a mind set of skipping my training. A feeling of giving up the training. Sigh... Just 1 more month. If someone can just talk me out from it. Someone who can really talk & know me rather than mocking me all the time.
Coming back home is it what I want? All the time I come back, they have their own stuff & I have my own. What is the difference when I stay out? This is the reason why before I go for training, I always come back so late. I just don't know what I'm living for?

No Mood...

2010-06-15T23:27:00.003+08:00

After service life has gone, now I'm in to housekeeping. Can I say I don't like housekeeping? Been cleaning toilet for days. What is so good about housekeeping life?
Finally I'm back from a whole week of stress but I don't feel happy at all. I feel that a lot of plan will be cancel. I don;t know what to say. I feel so no mood now. I'll write more about it when my mood ok...

Life Has to Move On... :-S

2010-05-24T23:12:00.004+08:00

I don't want to say this but I can't take it anymore. There is just 1 staff that keep ordering me to do stuff where as she could have do it cox she got nothing to do. Why she keep going to the bar for? Why can't she do the things she wanted to me to do? I was refilling the coffee & tea jug & yet she say why I'm so slow that the table setting is not done yet. Can't she just do it rather than blaming on me? I just want to get out of here asap. I was wrong about kitchen. The kitchen once I said was a hell but then this is worst than the hell. All of the chef keep asking me to go back kitchen to help out. They seemed to be having trouble teaching the new trainees in their live station. Well, can't say I'm the best. Probably cox I was there for 2 months already & they think I could manage every live station. They keep asking me to come back after graduate. Gotta need more time to think about it. I still left a total of 8 working days in F&B excluded my public holidays & off days. Which means another total of 64 hours to go then I'm off to housekeeping. Wonder how's housekeeping life. Will it be better than F&B? Wondering...
It's been 2 & 1/2 months I did not keep contact with friends of my semester. Wonder how are they now. Are they enjoying or having the same fate as me? Can't wait to go back to college. It makes me feel more fun than training. Now I finally understand my parents told me about better study while you still got time. It's is more fun than working eventhough we are stress about our assignments & exams. I can't say I hate this training but all I can comment is I never feel happy before. Even I got highly praise by the Head Chef & the assistant manager of F&B. I don't feel the fun working there. Sometimes dirty jokes does not even makes me feel any better. I feel like they are all lame jokes. Have I forgotten how to appreciate dirty jokes? I used to have fun talking about it with my best friend during secondary. But of course, life has to move on. I can't turn back the time already. My wish for today is I wish I will never grow up & stay back at secondary life. It really affects me a lot. I can never forget about that life. I keep browsing through the photo taken during secondary whenever I'm free. All were full of memory. While at the same time I'm listening to the song "Graduation" sang by vitamin C. Damn emotional now. These are the memories. These are history. But most importantly, these are my FRIENDS. Friends whom I can really rely on at all time. If there are any reunion, I'm definitely in! Take my words. Sigh... Gotta go now to bed & get ready for the next day. You know, the same routine. Getting sick & bored...

Feeling Sick Soon... :(

2010-05-18T01:29:00.002+08:00

Today service was very free. There were so little guest & too many staff that I could even go sleep in the R2. R2 is a place for the associates to rest after meal or when waiting for time to pass before start working. They let me go as early as 2pm today but I have to replace back another 2 hours some other day. Wonder when I will or want to replace it. After off, I went to college to find her & my chef. My surprise wasn't that surprise at all. They seemed to know my existance in college today. After college I went home just to get my HBP medicine. Didn't know this time I eat everyday without fail & then it only left 1. During the night time, I brought her out to help her for the assignment & studies but turn up to install a webcam for her & failed. Now i know why I feel sick whenever I drink coffee. Not an ordinary coffee but it's a hazelnut flavored coffee. I feel like vomiting after I drink it. Due to this, my soar throat is getting very bad. Don't know if I could go work tomorrow. Now is already 2am & yet I don't feel sleepy. Worrying... Don't want to take MC again....

I Miss Home!!!!

2010-05-15T00:46:00.003+08:00

Sigh... Happy moments just pass by so fast. As I said few hours ago. It was just like yesterday I was with her but now I'm rotting in this hostel again. I don't feel like going for this training. It really makes me feel rottening... I want to go home!!!!!

Mistakes That Teaches a Lesson

2010-05-14T10:42:00.003+08:00

Too many long hours of work. Finally I can have a good rest today. But now I'm not used to sleep till 10. Just feel very weird. Guess I'm used to wake up at 7.30 everyday already. Finally I could come back and accompany her but just time passes too fast. Working time is just like a tortoise trying to cross the road. I really enjoy my time in the kitchen. It is much more things to do compare to service. I hate the service routine. But now the most I worry is my appraiser. Last Tuesday just happened a case where could say it's part of my fault or maybe not. I was busy with my own guest but the hostess guided a guest to a table & pass me the coffee order. I told her that I was busy but she just walk away. I was wondering why can't she just pass the order to the bar while on her way out to the entrance? I'm being just too kind to help her make the order at the bar. Just in a split second after putting the order, another staff asked me to clear the table which the guest had left. It just too great that all 3 table left at the same time. For your information the 3 table's guest are not related but don't know why they left together. I have to do the plates clearing, cutleries, glasswares, decrumbing & set back the settings. After that I wanted follow up the order I fired at the bar but then I was told to do another thing by the manager. He did not even gave me a chance to explain what I wanted to do that time & just say do it before do your thing then he left. I got so pissed & unfortunately I totally forgot about the coffee order. The guest went to the bar & complaint. He apologized to the guest. It was just not that simple the guest would let go. Then the guest went to complain at the Front Desk. Just imagine a coffee order was placed & did not served but the matters went to the GM of the hotel. The next day, F&B manager was pissed, he made the assistant manager pissed, & then he come to me & shoot all out. Now I look at the lady hostess & I'm pissed too. Just for this issue, I'm famous in the hotel. Everyone in the hotel is marking at me everyday. I don't feel like going to work but this is training. I can't be a coward just because of this I give up the training. Whatever my appraiser will be, fail means fail. If I pass, then consider I was given a chance to correct myself. One of my friend told me just be nice to the GM or maybe treat him some stuff which could just make him let me go. All I can say is I'm not this type of person anymore. I don't pay to buy back my success. I pay to work hard to get my success. Simple to say, I'm not gonna bribe even just a cent or whatever word that suits what I wanted to say. I knew I did it before when I was in primary where I brought my gameboy to school & was found out by my friend. I was just too afraid that he'll tell the teacher so I just treat him. Once you started doing this, he'll never let you go. He'll make you the source of his money. That's why I'm broke most of the time in primary. Imagine RM2 a day but have to treat him a special nasi lemak which costs me RM2. Well, this has pass & was a big lesson to me. Not gonna repeat the same mistake again. Never!

Entire Week of Work Life...

2010-05-09T22:10:00.002+08:00

It's been a week I'm in F&B service department. I don't know why I don't enjoy the fun at all. Was it because I'm too adapt to the kitchen? Missing the work in pastry kitchen & the people around there. We were like a family. Unfortunately I was told that the schedule is fixed. Regret that now only I like to work in pastry kitchen.
1 big thing I really hate most & it's gonna be until my training finish is my housemates. Most I hate is my roommate. It's a long story. When he snores, I can't sleep, then he say not his prob. When I'm on the phone chatting with my gf, he ask me to sms her, don't disturb him sleep. Damn bloody pissed off with him. Anything he dislikes, he ask his gf to talk to me. Wah LIAO!!!! Din know he's a person who is a "Shrink head turtle" (in cantonese). Bloody fool. Don't feel like want talk about him some more. It's an essay that can possibly make me score A++ if I were to talk about him.
It's been a while I did not met up with my gf. 6 days of working really makes me miss her a lot. But I have to stay on. Can't give up my training. Just have to complete it & move on with my studies. Of course have to arrange my time well.
Mother's day today I felt kinda lonely. Usually eat out with my family but today they wanted to stay at home cox there's an interesting TV show tonite. Just because of 1 show & they say no need to come back for dinner. Sad... Well, as usual spend my time to the fullest chatting with my gf while watching drama & browsing internet. Will this last me for 4 more days? Just 4 more days & I can see her. Be patient Nick. Be patient. Just wanted to say how much I misses her even just for a day not being beside her.

Goodbye Kitchen :'(

2010-04-30T22:52:00.002+08:00

Today is my last day in kitchen. Feel so sad want to leave the kitchen when my time is up. 1 by 1 came to me & say see you again. The moment I had my tears pulled back so it will not drop out. I don't know why suddenly I love kitchen so much. Even the head chef say after I graduate, go find him. Have I been showing improvement? Is it a good sign? Sunday will be my 1st day in f&b service. Let's see if I can work out from it. Goodbye kitchen... :'(

Goodbye Kitchen...

2010-04-29T23:47:00.002+08:00

Finally tomorrow is my last day of training in kitchen. Part of me tells me I'm not gonna miss it but somehow I feel that I'll miss the training. Why I always feel the fun in doing certain things when it's towards the end? Been quite busy these days that's why did not update here. If you know what I'm busy at. These few days I've been thinking of expand my kitchen training duration. But just no one will support my this decision. Why is it? Sigh...

Moodless

2010-04-05T18:05:00.002+08:00

It's been almost a week. Yesterday & the day before I had off. Happy things just end so fast. Whole day today feel so moodless. Making a fake expression to show the staff that I have nothing wrong is just too hard for me to do it & maintain for these coming days. Even if they don't find out today, one day they will. Sometimes working in there I feel like giving up. How come they are enjoying & I'm not. I feel so lucky to still have friends who still giving me support to continue what I'm into now. Everytime when I leave home to my hostel, I feel like I'm leaving them for a long time even though it's just 3 days. For now I can only cry in my heart. This few days I've changed. Change into someone where most of them do not recognise me anymore. I can't seems to find anyone to talk about things & difficulties I'm facing now. I just don't know how to tell it out when they could listen me. Even if I can tell out, they just say it's my problems & no one can help me. All I can do now is just living in this whole uncomfortable months till I finish my training. I feel my life sucks. If only I'm not afraid of death then I'll do it & I mean it.

I... Love... You... ^^

2010-03-30T22:21:00.002+08:00

Things just happened so fast. It was like a dream but I know it's not. It's like a fairytale but I know it's not. It's like a movie but I know it's not.It's REALITY. I never thought that I would succeed in a relationship. I'll take this as my new beginning. Turning over a new leaf. Forget about the past. Wash away sad & bad memories. For now, I must appreciate & maintain this relationship. Finally I get to express & say out these 3 words; I... Love... You... ^^

Accepting the Working Reality

2010-03-29T22:24:00.003+08:00

Taking mc doesn't shows that I'm happy cox dun have to go training. It made me feel lazy & feeling more sick. It's been since last Wednesday i took mc & absent till today. Some people just keep saying, "Nick, u looked ok. Y din go work?". I feel so lazy to explain cox I noe explaining means giving reasons. I believe everyone in this world is selfish or shall I say, stubborn. They seldom accept reasons such as "vry sick, family prob, etc." They will just say work is work. No excuse, no compromise. Fine! In that case, I have nothing to say. Mus y ask the doctors dun provide any patient mc. I've had enough of this. I'm going back tomorrow & see the HR manager. No matter how, late or early, things has to be solve. Preventing is the most coward thing to do. Accept all the consequences. Feeling sad is 1 thing but I have to keep in mind that this is working reality. Nothing can change it. I've made my mom worried, my dad, my close friends, my lecturers & people around me. Now my entire body feeling week. I never say I want to be sick & i din say I like to be sick. If everything out of control... Well.. Let's see wat happens tomorrow.

Hate being SICK!!!

2010-03-25T21:26:00.002+08:00

After so many weeks of training, now I got sick. It always happen twice a year as if like fixed. Coughing, soar throat, fever, flu & others you name it. Of course it's not H1N1. Took 2 days mc & gonna go back to training on Sunday. Wonder why when I feel sick, I don't feel like living. Whole day just lie down on the bed is like a person going to see the end of the world. It's so suffering. Lying down, watching the clock ticks while waiting for the right time to eat.. hmmm... 5 types of medicine with 2 tablets each. How nice is it? & today my nose keep bleeding. Sigh... All these really made me think as if I'm seeing the last of this world. But I don't think it is. Lol... Whole day's been eating plain porridges. It is so plain until now I have no more appetite for food. Even if there is 1 plate of my favourite tiramisu, it will not tempt me. ARGH! Stupid sick. If only there is just 1 pill that can just reduce my pain. If tomorrow continues to be like this, I don't feel like living. Sigh...

Hate SWE!!!

2010-03-23T20:34:00.002+08:00

Lately I've been working so tiredly. I don't know if cox of my work, I've change into someone else. I've been ignoring people, talk to them in a different way, & lots more. I even made some people starting to hate me. I feel like giving up on my work if this goes on. Everyone keep asking me to be tough but I don't know if I can still stand for another day. I don't really feel any fun in my working, life. Wake up, go work, come back, bath, online, sleep & then it repeats again. I feel like going back to college now... T.T

2010-03-16T22:30:00.003+08:00

It's been busy this few days. Don't feel like talking about my department. They've been using me like nobody's business. Had off days since yesterday night. Tomorrow will be my last day off. Then gonna head back to hell again. I was back to my home last night. It was so tired which I don't even feel like waking up this morning. But I had no choice to continue my home life here. Fetching grandma home, look for mom in office & head back to college to do whatever I want. Went to summit & got a new phone. This time I for sure won't regret even though it's a bit lag. Gonna enjoy tomorrow to the fullest!!!

Expecting the Worst of the Worse

2010-03-12T23:34:00.003+08:00

2 off days just happened to fly by so fast. It seems like yesterday just after working in kitchen & yet tomorrow will be another hell of the kitchen. Heard news that tomorrow gonna have banquet event. Hopefully they don't misuse my trainee time. Well, got no choice but to expect for the worst already....

2010-03-12T09:53:00.002+08:00

It's been 3 days since the last I blogged. I've regretted that I said I wanna prove my lecturer was wrong about working in the industrial training is more fun than college. It is fun when they treat you as one of them but unfortunately I was treated like a robot to them. Probably because it's part of the training which made me felt like that.
2nd day of training was fine. Nothing much other than cutting, chopping, slicing & deep frying. Other than that, I have to go up & down to get the ingredients they need. I really can't describe how huge the kitchens are but I can say it's damn huge. It can be from level LG3 till UG or from level 1 to 5.
3rd day was a nightmare, a hell. 1st time working in the Living Room where the guest go for their breakfast. I'm just a trainee & I'm new. Of course I don't know anything about the area. I was push here & there till they finally decided me to work at the Indian live station. I was taught on how to cook chapati & tosai. Starting was ok but when comes to busy hour, everything got mess up. After the living room, as usual I go back to my department at the main kitchen. I can't believe they are so unfair to the trainees. Is it just because I'm a guy, I have to work extra long hours while the other trainee girl can go back on time right after 10 hours? Damn perverts keep asking me to look at the girl & made me almost slice my finger off. 2 lessons I learnt. 1; do not tell them where you stay for your current training period. 2; Try not to let them know when is your off day until they say you can go back. Just imagine 14 hours of non-stop working with just 30 minutes break. Damn shoes is so damn heavy. I think I wanna get a lighter ones which gonna cost me about few hundreds.
Finally got 2 days off. Went to surprise my mom in her office. Told her about my experience & all. Then head to my chef's office in the college. Reached there got a bit of bad mood. Don't wanna talk about it why. Afternoon we went up to Genting Highlands & this was my 1st time driving up. Not bad for a 1st time driver. Coming down it's a bit scary but anyway, it was an adventure. Reached back Subang & decided to sleep at my own house. It feels good to be back at home.
Wonder will I come back again? Tomorrow gonna continue my "Hells" training again. Hope I can off early again. As in on time.

1st Day of Training is Already Like a Dying Fish

2010-03-08T21:35:00.003+08:00

It was the 1st day of training. Woke up today around 6.30 just to make sure I'm not late for the orientation. Unfortunately after all the bathing, breakfast, packing, & so on, we were 1 hour early before the orientation. So we went for tea in nearby restaurant & met up with 2 of our friends.
The orientation was very short & simple. Took us like 3 hours only to complete every single things; name tags & pin, uniform & training schedule. I thought that after orientation will be another rest day but then have to start training already.
1st day itself already schedule me in main kitchen. There were so many cutting, slicing, chopping & cooking to do. They said I came training at the wrong time cox tomorrow will have a big lunch function. All of them were busy with their own things. So have to really act smart in helping them. Hopefully tomorrow will not have a much tiring task. Feeling a bit of fever soon... Sigh...

Good Luck!

2010-03-08T00:20:00.002+08:00

It's been since yesterday I've moved in to my new house in KL. Not my whole family but myself for the 5 months training. It was still ok at 1st. But starting to miss my family. Even my sis whom like to fight with me was acting weird yesterday for what I've heard. She kept quiet almost the whole day unless she answer questions asked. I, too, have to admit that I misses her. Even though I don't talk to her but there is just something between us that tells me I can't stay separate with her. Where as my bro which I'm always closed to, were so happy cox he can finally sleep back his own bed. Wondering how my grandmother feels now. I'm sure she do worried about it for this 5 months. I never stay separate from my grandmother before unless go for trip without her. If they can be patient for these 5 months, I'm sure I can too.
Another thing is about the expenses here. Can you imagine daily use items are much more cheaper than just 1 plate of specialty rice? Just a dinner already cost me RM30. If I continue like this, the allowance I got will not last even a week. I guess I'm gonna have to eat bread for the whole week just to save up my money.
Tomorrow will be my 1st day training. It was stated there orientation. So not sure if it's training yet or not. Wondering why I'm still awake even though now is already 12am. Well, trying to sleep early. Hope tomorrow's will be a smooth day. Good Luck! :)

Answers...

2010-03-06T01:25:00.002+08:00

Went for a trip to Muar today. Had no exciting feeling at all. Felt like as if being forced to go. Probably the time which made me thinks like that. Came back yesterday around 12 am & slept & 1 which woke at 4 this morning. Omg. It's insane. The entire trip did learn some new things but it was tiring & sweating & sleepy.
Gonna shift out tomorrow. How come I have no excitement? A I gonna miss home? How is it like leaving them & go on your own independent way? Sigh... Answers....

Gonna Miss All

2010-03-04T09:36:00.003+08:00

Goodbye sem 4 & welcome sem 5. How come a I not happy at all? Yesterday was my last final paper. Don't wanna talk about the exams. I thought I should be happy go lucky yesterday but unfortunately I got a saman from the stupid ****. How would I know that wasn't a parking? Everyday I've been seeing cars park there & I don't see them commenting anything about it. Damn bloody sunway area has no more parking for students & you expect me to park in Pyramid to walk to college? Though I did before but RM3 just to park there & walk a few km to college? That's insane. But anyway, now I know the whereabout of that area. If I ever see that guy giving me saman again, I'm gonna make noise in ****. Hate them. Just because of the commission they get & they simply giving saman. Damn them.
Felt a bit of happy gonna shift out soon to KL for my internship. But now I'm feeling sad cox have to leave my family for 5 months. Will I miss them? There's a part in my heart says "don't go". Sigh... Hope I can survive that 5 months time.

2010-03-03T12:53:00.002+08:00

After so long of stress, finally here comes the last paper of my semester 4 examination. Still have 30 minutes to go. I'm wondering how come I'm so relax whereby others are so stress. Have I not taken this exam seriously? Am I giving up hope in all my efforts? Really hate when a person says I'm not doing revision coz I'm smart. I don't take in as a compliment but I just don't like it. Anyway, I just don't wanna stress myself last minute. It never goes into my brain even though I put 200% concentration on it.
5 days to go before I start my very 1st training in the hotel industry. So many things have to do. Shifting place of stay, packing luggage, buying daily use items & other than that, there are some personal stuff I have to take care & make it clear before I'm leaving for my internship. If I could just let it go for just this 5 months. Memories are suppose to left behind but no matter I'm happy or not, it remains in my mind. If there's a feeling of hate, why bother still putting it in your mind? It's another stupid thing I'm doing all over again. What goes around comes around. time is running, day is expiring, emotions are wasting my time. But what can I do? Should I be selfish, ignorance, hateful, bad or whatever you think it is bad enough for me to be bad? Seriously, IDK.

Happy!!!

2010-02-24T23:54:00.003+08:00

A 7 weeks semester with all mid-terms & projects & assignments & tutorials & homeworks has finally comes to an end. Today was my last day doing presentation even though I did not participate much in the discussions. So many things have happened in this particular semester. Can say I had the most memorable semester no matter it's sad or happy. Can say most of the time is sad la. But what doesn't belongs to you even if you tried, it is not yours no matter how harder you try. Forcing is not really my type of attitude even if I'm desperate for it. So why don't just let go & go on with life? Thought of my actions had made me looked stupid but learned a lot from them. Time flies & finals are coming. Gonna let go works & get into books. Drown unimportant matters & float back up my books. Went out have dinner with my "senior" today. Had fun eating with her & thanks for the farewell gift. 1st thing after the 5 moths training, we'll go for sushi as promised. Haha... Tomorrow will be my last day of classes. We'll see if there are any celebration.

Whatever Will Be Will Be..

2010-02-22T00:16:00.002+08:00

So long of holidays haven't got time to write about me here. Went to Australia for holiday. Can't say didn't have fun but it's really tiring. This year's Chinese new year is really bored. The entire celebration mood is gone already. Anyway, school's starting tomorrow. Hopefully new day will have a new start. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. Well, just do the way it is then...

Time to Change

2010-02-07T23:32:00.003+08:00

Went for a Church's Sports Duty yesterday. Had quite a lot of fun meeting new people & working along side with a doctor from HKL & my team mates VAD. I can never feel sad when working with them. Should I change to a paramedic course? Sometime I don't feel like belong to hoteliers. I felt like I have more interest in paramedic. Unfortunately my parents disagree with me about paramedic course. Making a lie about having interest in Hotel Management was 1 of the most regretful lie I made. But what can I do now? I can't stop halfway throughout the course. There should be more than 10,000 my parents paid for me. But my interest is not there? Due to this, I've seldom visit the place I suppose to. I've been doing a lot of own interest thing these days. If I can learn to say "NO" to something or anyone which I really really wanna stop whatever I'm doing. But the word "NO" doesn't seems to be spoken. Life is full of so many choice. Somehow I should have learnt my friends who worked part time after Form 5. Some of them have been working till now & got more savings than me. Which of the day I can say "bill on me"? All the time I have to borrow money from people. Influence by people by going places. What to do Nic, what to do??? Better do something Nic!!! It's time to be a bad person Nic... It's about time....

Endless Thoughts

2010-02-05T00:41:00.002+08:00

I felt that after I did what I've regret to do so... Many gossips are going on in my college. I felt pressure. All these are keeping me distance to all that I've known. I felt like as if I'm slowly losing of becoming part of them. All these things had made me to 1 thought. Should I stop college? Not complaining about assignments. Just that I'm losing my social life day by day. What they said it's true. I've changed. I've been missing for practices just to stay away. I've been alone wondering around just to stay away. Why is Nic so stupid? Do you know that staying away from problems is the most stupid thing to do? I'm going crazy soon for talking to myself most of the time. Does it worth crying everynight thinking about my stupid confession? Have I decided to stop college & go back to my old life? The life which I hang around malls, yam cha with high school mates, window shop alone. Feeling headache now & before. Feeling like killing myself from the balcony I used to go. If I can't take it anymore, then this will be the last..... Not gaining attention or anything. But want to be alone....

Confessing was a Mistake

2010-01-30T08:37:00.002+08:00

I think confessing to her probably was a mistake. We weren't as close as before where we could talk whatever. It's true about "never ask, never know" but some things are meant to be kept for some reasons. I can't believe I'm a person easily influence by people. Why can't I make my own decision? Some how I felt we were more like a stranger now than just a normal friend. Some actions made me felt uncomfortable. I've change my way of talking. The barrier between us are stronger. I don't understand why would it be like this? Was I'm the problem? I thought of drinking with my friends who had the same problem with me but does it work? As in forgetting things. Movies are just a story. Totally different than reality. Lately I've been going home late. Just trying not to think about it. I felt myself so stupid of doing what I'm doing now. Should I continue what I'm doing now? Is it better to keep this barrier? 3 sems to go. Time passes fast. Time changes reality. I believe I'll end this here before it gets too deep. If there were anything else that I wanna say, it'll not be in this blog.

Let it...

2010-01-29T00:31:00.003+08:00

Today I went to college as usual but I forced myself to stay away from friends who wants to talk to me about it. If I met up with them, I just pretend that I'm onto something to do but actually I'm not. If my actions today are very stupid, then let it. This is my characteristic which I can't change unless I want to. My life is mine, & I'm using it at my own will. People always say why am I so emo, let it. People say why am I so sad, let it. People say why am I fat, let it. They say I'm a useless class rep, let it. What they wanna gossip, let it. I'm used to so many gossips & talks about me. If I'm able to avoid telling out why am I like this or like that, I'll avoid it. I felt like I'm going back to my secondary school life. Probably my secondary is still not as bad as this. Being alone at times when there are no class unless occasionally we met up. As I said, VAD is the best friends I have. Drinking together, outings together, duty together, work together in a team & supporting one another. Some of my college friends might get offended with the previous sentence but, in my blog, it's all about my life. I have nothing to hide unless necessary. If I'm fated to fail in love, then let it. I'm giving up looking for another relationship. I've failed which this is the second time. It's ok. I know it's stupid to give up hope. Whether or not I still like her, it remains in my heart. If my actions are obvious, then I can't help it. It'll remains as a memory. A bad memory. A memory that will be kept till the day I lost it. Probably in an accident or something unexpected. Feeling awkward talking to her is normal. Creating a topic to talk to her is difficult. We weren't that close anymore. It takes time. 1 day? 1 week? 1 month? or probably 1 year. The time is undefined. I'm not enjoying my life nowadays. But as long I'm still breathing to live, I just go through it. What comes around goes around. Happy times past very fast. Sad time past very slow. Anger & hating might remain forever.

I Want to be Alone

2010-01-27T21:55:00.002+08:00

I though I'll get what I wanted. I thought there was still hope. I thought I did the right thing. I did not give up. I waited. I meant what I said. I listened to you all while I was thinking about it. It seems like it all ended up getting nothing. The minute I heard what she told me, I entirely drop onto a chair. I knew this would happen. I knew the ending would be bad. I knew I'm not worth for her. Even I ask myself, if she has accepted me, what will I do? If she asked me why do I love her, what would be the reply? I'm giving up in looking for relationship after this happened. Everyone said life has to go on. I have to agree but I'm moving on alone. I don't wanna get hurt again. I've had enough of this. I don't know how to face tomorrow's life. I did not even realize I've used up the RM50 that I've not been eaten since last Monday. Drinking does not give me any effect for now. My thoughts were running all over my head as I was driving home. With the jam & traffics. I banged into another car. But it wasn't bad. I have no choice but to pay RM100 as for the repair to the person. If I would have stay longer in the coffee shop, I don't think this will happen. I'm broke. I lost the feeling of love. I'm useless. I've done what I did & the answer had replied back to me. It was an ugly ending to me. Cried at some time but was wondering why did my tears pulled back itself. Was it cox not worth crying for her rejecting me? Was it cox I've lost too much tears. If only I went late 1 sem. If only I don't met her. If only I did not tell her, then none of this might happen. I want to be alone for these few days. Just leave me alone.

Not Gonna Give Up

2010-01-25T23:50:00.003+08:00

I felt very awkward today. I don't know what were she thinking. Is she still got shock for what I confessed? Have I acted according to my feeling without even think whether is right or wrong? Some of them advice me what comes around goes around. I don't want to give up for what I've started. If there is only 1% of hope, means there is still hope. I finally got back my appetite for dinner. It's been since yesterday I did not had any food except drinks. Probably I was worrying a lot. Couldn't sleep well but still felt so awake for the whole day. Weird... Anyway, let the fate decide. I've did what I supposed.

"When there is a chance, you grab it. When you got it, you maintain it. When you maintain it, you definitely got it."

Start a New Day with No Worries

2010-01-25T05:59:00.002+08:00

A whole new day, a whole new start. I wish today everything goes well. Had quite a peaceful sleep last night. Maybe cox it was already 2 am that time. Just woke up & now gotta get ready to college. The same old routine ever since secondary.

Patience

2010-01-24T23:36:00.002+08:00

Why my head are full of thoughts? What is it that I have to think so much? I've did what I supposed. I thought after confessing that I love her will then recover my emotions? Am I afraid of losing this chance or what? I should relax & give her more time rite? Why do I keep thinking I'm not suitable for her? Argh!!!! I'm feel like wanna explode!!! My heart was aching since this morning. Confessed last Friday. Dreamt about it this morning. The only dream that I can't forget. There so many other happy dreams but how come this dream I can remember in detail? Every single words she said, every action, every scene. I don't feel like going to sleep. I don't wanna close my eyes. Afraid things might change when I wake up. Have I lost my mind? I wish I knew what were she thinking now? I wish the truth will not be that bad... As what all my friend said, "Future is Not What You Predict but What You Decide". Have patience Nic...

Dream

2010-01-24T09:03:00.002+08:00

Just woke up. Had the most sweetest dream ever. Never before I had such a happy dream. It's an unexpected dream which I hope it'll come true. It was part of my wish this year after my birthday celebration.

Patience

2010-01-24T00:42:00.002+08:00

The feeling I'm feeling today was a bit weird. Was it cox of the confession I made yesterday? What was I thinking about it? But if she insist to be just friends, I won't force for what I want. Forcing a relationship will not cause happiness. I truly understand this term. If we force one another, quarrels will make it worst. All I need to do now is give her some time. As long I see her happy, that's good enough for me. What I did last time to her, I felt guilty. Making myself to ignore her sometimes already made me felt heart sick. Changing my way of talking to her to make her more mad at me so that I won't think so much was just the most stupid thing to do. There is no turning back time. Time only runs forward. Waiting is what I'll do now.

Wish We Weren't Just Friends

2010-01-23T09:53:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I've made up my mind. I did not knew that I would do such. The thoughts has been in me for so long. Ever since the 1st day of college. Though I knew that the chances are slim. Everyone seems to support me to do so. I felt a bit angry cox it's just too hard to decide whether to do or not. There were so many points to this thought that would just create a loss. But without anymore hesitation, I've decided to do so, confessed. I'm such a coward even just a telling that "I like her" also needs her to guess. But it's over. It was weird with such an acceptance but, we did not lose our friendship. Just might feel a bit weird when we talk to each other as time comes. But I wished we were not just friends....

Stay Alone, Away from Thoughts

2010-01-21T23:55:00.002+08:00

I've never been so down since 2010's new year. I have to admit. I liked a girl before my previous sem break. I don't know if I really like her or was just too desperate to get a gf. After some observation I've made, I believe we can't have a good future. Though may have lots of similarities but there is still just 1 thing which I can't confess it out. Friendship of us can be good 1 day but not the next weeks. Today, I found out that we have a lot of differences. I think it's better not to let her know about this feeling of mine than to create both of us unhappy. Some things are better to keep in heart than to sing or cry it out. Before it gets deeper, I've decided to see her less. If not, I could just lost control of myself & tell it out. I can't let it happen. It can never happen. Never... All I can do now is back to the old me, the old me of staying alone, where less social makes me think less. The more I blend in, the more thoughts runs in my head. If I could only turn back time, if I had taken care of what I had a few years ago, none of these will happen.

My 19th Anniversary

2010-01-15T00:28:00.002+08:00

Got so happy today. Kinda late when I wanna blog here now. Feeling sleepy. And at the same time happy of course. Today's my day, my 19th birthday. I seldom asks friends out for dinner with me during my birthday. This will be my first time. We went to Manhattan Fish Market for dinner. Had a delicious meal & enjoyed the wishes & presents. Once reached home, I was exploring the present. Ignoring all my homework & stuffs. I got touched when I first saw all the wishes in the birthday card. I didn't expect there so many people who will care for me, like as if I'm part of their family. I finally found out that I wasn't alone all this long. It's just that sometime I feel like being alone. Well, very sleepy now. Will post up the pictures gifts after class tomorrow. Thanks a million for the wishes & presents... T.T

Strongly Oppose

2010-01-12T23:17:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was my very lucky day. 1st day of college i guess its the reason for me being lucky. Got new transformers collections, got good partner for assignment & a lot more events. Unfortunately, the luckiness doesn't really stay for more than a day. Today, it seems to be very dark for me. Nothing of anything made me happy today. It seems like I'm going back to be the old me. How could a lecturer simply choose a person to change group without even asking if its ok or not? In addition to so many people there keep talking which causes me speechless while I wanted to tell my opinion. That's is so unfair to me. If they got the right to say no, how come I can't? Why choose me? I'm gonna miss my flairing practice, probably lots of things I can't really do. I did not say I hate Group A people but I dislike the letter A. The letter A reminds me of smart people. The 1 I can't mix with. The 1 whom they said only smart people's class. The 1 whom I was ignored for so long. It has been years since I wasn't in class A but why now? I can't even concentrate in class today thinking that I'm gonna change my status to group A from tomorrow onwards. I hate it! I don't like it! I TRULY STRONGLY OPPOSE TO INCLUDE ME IN GROUP A!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!

Holidays Terminated

2010-01-11T00:16:00.003+08:00

Approximately 2 months of holidays. Finally is time to get back to college. Tomorrow will be the 1st day of class. Accounting summore. Hopefully it's one of my cup of tea. Feeling body ache whole day today. Should be caused by yesterday's hiking. My twisted ankle is recovering well. Tried to drive just now. It seems to be ok. Hopefully tomorrow I can drive all the way to college. Missing my college friends now too. Can't wait to see them back in classes again.

Hiking's the Best Outing this Week

2010-01-09T19:38:00.002+08:00

Early in the morning of the weekend is the best time for exercise. We the VADs planned to hike the Bukit Tabur. The journey was fine at first until the mid of the journey. We have to climb the ropes down & up then down & up. Step by step I wanted to give up but thinking about it, if I were to give up then it's not worth to wake up so early, drove so far & spent the only RM10 which I have left for breakfast. We continue & reached the peak of the mount. It was unbelievable that we can make it with my weakness & also my overweight body. Coming down time was the hardest part. Did not really expect I could sprain my right ankle. The pain was unbearable at first. I was lucky that I had my seniors there to assist the pain. At that moment, my thoughts of giving up were higher than before. But thanks to their skill & the help of nature to support me with their branches & leaves, I manage to hike back down safely. By the way, it's not only the right ankle but also the left one. The left one just have minor sprain which is still save to walk. Also thanks to a team mate who knew how to drive a manual car & drove me back. Really thank them a lot. Without them, I've probably shouting for S.O.S. at that instance. But it's a great experience. The last time I went was only halfway. Now we manage to climb all the way to the peak. Kinda regret did not sign our name there. Back at home now with my wrapped up ankle. Seems like tomorrow I have no choice but to holiday myself. Sigh... Plan cancel for tomorrow again. But I've enjoyed today. The cuts, sun burn, itchiness & sprain is worth the hiking today. Looking forward for the next one. Haha...

Friends

2010-01-08T23:06:00.002+08:00

Friends are not to be used by people but to be there for when in need. A true friend will have full trust in you & will tell you whatever they are facing. Then solving the problems together to prevent misunderstanding & conflicts. Most of the time, they rely on me when they have problems. Because of them, I get to understand more about people. I'm very grateful that they trusted me, telling me what they are having problems with. Though I can't say I'm a good problem solver but I will lend my ear whenever they need someone to talk to. Today 1 of my friend asked me out to talk. We went to red box while she can sing all her sadness out. Probably I've talked her out from her miserable thoughts. I hope she'll feel better now. In addition to it, I finally don't feel scared singing in front of people. Seems like I've addicted to karaoke. If not I won't apply the member card from them. I can't wait to go karaoke again. Anyone interested?

No Feeling of Love

2010-01-06T23:43:00.002+08:00

I have already lost the feeling of love. Not family love but you know. Commonly in teenagers like us. Though I may have lots of friends supporting me to go for her(s), but I would not want to get myself hurt again. It's kinda stupid right to say "I lost the feeling of love". But something tells me that when you love a person, she does not mean must be with you or you be with her. To me, I'm happy enough to see them happy. There were so many girls I liked before. But none of them I could see the future being with me. I've been so called broke up once (don't know if it was even couple), rejected once, hurt once cause I was too scared to confess to her & lost hope for once when I know it's impossible to happen. Most of my friends were teasing me & whichever girls I'm close to. But now I'm used to it. I'm no longer got influence into a relationship when they tease me again. It's like a childish game sometimes. Sooner or later they will just stop it. The more you response, the worst it gets. I've let go all those feelings of missing a person, regretness & disappointments. Let the fate decide. Since I have to admit I know nothing about love, relationship, couples or whatever. If I were to meet that someone 1 day, consider me found that special 1. Forcing a relationship will not give happiness. Stay single puts more thoughts away. Family & friends love more than enough than getting a relationship now.

Had Enough

2009-12-30T23:52:00.002+08:00

Been busying packing up & arranging things in my new room. Other than that have been helping kitchen doing pastry for the next semester & hanging out with friends. Finally my room has been done arranging & ready to be officially my new room. Hehe... The PD trip that was suppose to be on January unfortunately has been cancel. Kinda sad but then it could possibly helped me saves up my money for the next trip. I believe new year eve as in tomorrow will not have plan again. Seems like there were some conflicts which I do not wish to speak. Probably going down alone for the countdown. I really really dislike staying at home celebrating a special annual event. It made me as if I'm not informed about the updates. I don't understand why do people keep thinking so much whether to go or not. He will wait for her but he didn't know that she is also waiting for him to decide. So when will this gonna end if there were 10 person & all of them are doing the same thing? This will only cause an event to cancel. Sigh... Used to it already. Non of the planned event work out. If it does, it will not work out so well. Since then, I've decided. Whether or not they are hesitating, I'm going on with the plan except having to overnight. I've had enough with this see 1st, maybe, think so, or whatever crap. Do it spontaneously at least can make my day.

Plan Not Worked Out

2009-12-25T16:52:00.002+08:00

Today suppose to watch Alvin & the Chipmunks 2 with family. Unfortunately the tickets were fully booked & I wans't feeling well. Stupid sinus attack my nose again. Hate it so much. Feel like stabbing myself now & relieve from the flu. Planned to buy the chipmunks soundtrack & the New Moon novel. Got the CD but the novel were sold out. I just only finish reading twilight & I can't continue the next 1 coz there weren't any left in the bookstore except the Motion Picture version. I wanted the originals 1. Sigh... Anyway gotta go back & continue shifting my things with my stupid flu...

Lonely Christmas Eve

2009-12-25T16:47:00.003+08:00

It was christmas eve & I was suppose to go out with my friends. Unfortunately this year I have to celebrate lonely christmas. All of them were busy & had planned with their gang. Well, I was too late to ask them out I guess. Whole day of christmas eve I just shift my things to my new room. Actually I'm changing room with my grandma coz she's too old to walk the staircase up & down. So it should be easier for her to sleep downstair as she would not need to climb up & down. So tiring but worth. I got more space & cupboards to keep my junks. Later then had dinner with family in Secret Recipe just to celebrate christmas eve. The food was good but the service was... Anyway we enjoyed our meals.

7 Days in China

2009-12-24T11:52:00.002+08:00

It's been 7 days in China for holiday. The weather there is can say quite cold which is about 9 to 15'C. Went to Disneyland, ocean park, Macau's Senado Square & Ruins of St. Paul's & finally shopping mall in Zhu Hai. Had quite a lot of fun taking pics with disney characters. Bought so many gifts for myself. Feel a bit regret the last time I did't buy the Chip & Dale's character merchandise. It was so difficult to find them until I have to go all the souvenir shops there & only 2 shops available for these items. This is the 3rd time I went to Disneyland & finally I get a chance to watch the amazing musical fireworks of Disneyland. In Ocean Park, we watched fishes as usual. There were dolphin performance throughout the day. They were so good till everyone felt so hard to believe that they can do those. After the Ocean Park, we went to the mountain hill & visit the Madame Tussauds. Most of the actor & actresses were wax crafted & were put there. They made them look so real till you don't even know whether they are real or not. The night is so cooling. Though I like cold weather but I have to admit I can't stand it. Most of the time I have to stay indoor to prevent getting freeze. The rest of the days we went shopping in Ladies Market. It's a name of the street whereby it looks like Chow Kit Road in KL. The named Ladies doesn't means they sell all ladies stuff. There were phone accessories, handbags, bags, clothes & a lot of unique stuff. That is the only place where you shop till you drop. We gave up shopping there in the evening coz our feet can't stand it. There aren.t any cheap reflexology there too. So we have to bear with it. In Macau, there were less sightseeing except the famous Ruins of St. Paul's & Senado Square which looks like an outdoor shopping mall. The Zhu Hai shopping mall wasn't nice to shop at all. Mostly handbags, junk foods & electronics. For the 1st time we went shopping for 20 minutes & gave up. Before we were there, we had to go through so many immigration custom. Their attitude summore is like never go to hospitality school before. No 'thank you' at all. But can't really blame them la. Maybe they weren't educated before other than just check & stamp. Other than these we just eat & eat & eat non-stop. I think I gonna have phobia of eating pork already. Breakfast, lunch, dinner only eat pork chop rice, pork chop burger, pork pau, sweet & sour pork rice, pork chop breakfast set. OMG!!!! ALL PORK!!!! But I couldn't resist it coz I used to like eating pork & now I don't feel like it. Reach home the 1st thing I did was on my lap top & login to facebook. Haha... It's been a week I didn't touch my com & I really miss it. Pictures will be uploaded to my facebook when I'm done packing.

Do You Think ... ?

2009-12-16T01:08:00.004+08:00

It's been few days since I ignored my parents. When they are off to work, I'm still in my dream. When they are going to sleep, I'm on my way back from outside. Can say I did not even saw them for these few days. Was it a cold war I'm playing with them? "Do what you like that can make you happy so you won't feel so emo". I wanted to do something I like but you restrict me. Then what you want me to do now? Do you think I like being emo? All my friends have been saying, "why you so emo today?" Do you think I'm happy when they say that? Is not I'm emo when I show that expression. When I have nothing that can impress me with then what type of expression you want me to show? A fake smile to show that I'm always happy? Isn't it similar to a play in a drama where you have to act the expression out? If it is, then for sure it is proven, this world is actually an act of fake human being expressions. "Why you want to go now where you have chance in future?" Do you think I can live that long? I've not been following doctors advice. All I'm doing now is just have to maintain my blood pressure & prevent from increasing it. Day by day you make me do things I don't wanna do, do you think it helps my blood pressure? I don't even know if I could live that long to see the world ends. Human beings may survive now & might leave the world any time. While we suffer with this can't that can't, why don't we just live happy for it? Do what you like. Then there is no regretness. Do you think I like the feeling of just saying hello, good morning, good night & asking money from you? It's creating a gap between us. Everyone has got their own attitude. Since they can't change it, then why not cope with it? All you need to know is I can easily ignore people whom I don't like. So be it!

I'm Pissed.....

2009-12-10T22:18:00.003+08:00

It was just only I checked my blood pressure. Just after checking, he said "You are not going to go out late by next week onwards". I felt so angry. I felt like telling out that I don't care about Why can't just let me lead my own life? I for sure will not have time to do things I suppose to do. Everyday, every hour, every minutes I'm occupied with my college stuffs. How I can find time to save my own life? Nic do this, Nic do that, Nic go here, Nic go there. Just then, she came down & talked to me. Before that I felt like shouting at them. I wanted to say out all the four letters words. But I can't. I know it's wrong. I just have to pull it back & swallow back into my heart. Out of sudden, I really felt like crying it out. There are just too many things in my thoughts. Why do I have to think so much? What is it so much things to think more than what adults are thinking? Since you all want me that way, I'll stay in room, not going for any practices, not going for trips, not going to even outside to buy stuff. Then I'll heal from it right? So u all got it. Don't come say it's just an advice. I'm sick of it. I'm pissed right now & 1 word I wanted to say out long time ago. Just F****** mind your own businesses!!!!!!!

Exams over, Boring holidays are Up.....

2009-12-06T21:47:00.003+08:00

Exams finally over. Holiday is another boring period. What can I do at home? Watch TV? No new shows. DVD? Have to buy new movies. Hanging out with friends? Saving money, spend less. In conclusion, stay at home. 1 word is gonna haunt me for the whole month; BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

R.I.P. My Pet... Will Miss You... T.T

2009-11-30T23:12:00.003+08:00

Finally I got time to blog. Last Saturday had a high school reunion gathering in Pyramid. Most of them last minute did not turn up. Only 8 of us met up & we spent our whole time in Red Box karaoke. At first I suggested movies cox I don't dare to sing in front of my friends or anyone watching. But the longer I spent time there, I actually sang the entire time. With all the songs that I've listened before & the lyrics which I'm familiar with. Though my voice did not went to the right tune sometimes but I really have to admit, I enjoyed singing that day. Now it made me addicted & wanted to sing again. After singing, we went for dinner. After dinner, we took some photo shooting & then went for window shopping. Of course that time were quite late where only 3 of us left. Lots of things we bought.
Just yesterday I went for a meeting of VAD in Kelana Jaya. Can say that it has made a lot of trouble for us to confirm the time & place. At first I thought it has been cancel so I can do more revision. But it was on from 3pm till 5pm. Nothing much of a discussion except the changes of the systems. After meeting, went home & did some revision for today's exam.
Today's exam was can say super easy due to the tips given by our lecturer. I was so happy that I spent all my time doing it actually. For the first time I did not sleep during the 2 hours at all. After exam, we went for dinner in nearby mentari. After dinner, I realized 1 thing. My allowance is out again for this week!!!!! Damn.... Big spender again... sigh... Then went home, found out that 1 of my hamster had died. By the way, the hamster was given back to me to pet it for 3 weeks. The owner will be away. I stared at it once I put it on the newspaper. At first, I had not much of a feeling. Just normally stared at it. But when my mom told me the way she witness it dying, I wanted to cry out but I pull back my tears. This is what she told me:

"When your brother saw it was acting weird, he went to tell your dad then your dad called me. I sat down & watched TV while looking at it some time. At once, it was lying down, breathing hard with it's eyes open big. It was trying to move but can't. Then it move it's leg several time as if kicking something. It goes on a few minutes later then it slowly closes it's eyes. Just one last breath & few kicks.... It stopped moving. It was just yesterday it climb here & there while we bathe it. It was not an expected to happen. We can't do anything except throwing it away."

Once she went upstairs, I cried in my room. Though it wasn't with me for a long time but it was me the one who first pet it before it was given away. From the time it was put into the dustbin wrapped, I keep try pulling back my tears. Very emotional but I can't control it. Why do pets have shorter live than human beings? There is still 1 more in the cage but I'm sure she's looking for her son. Suppossingly there's 2 son. 1 ran away without anyone noticed & 1 just died. Pity the mom. Currently she's beside me in the cage. Guess it has fell asleep. No mood to do revision now.

No Longer a Good Guy...

2009-11-25T21:04:00.008+08:00

There are several things which I'm really unhappy about it. First thing, I'm acting kinda bad in front of some of my friends these days. As in the way I talk to them or treat them badly. Can say I'm trying to avoid some things to happen between us or it is just not my type of friends. Though it does not make me any happy but it won't create any conflict in future. Next is, sometimes I'm being too nice to be used by some people. I don't mind in helping but there is a limit. Is it so nice to help people around you? I can't even help myself already & now I'm being used. Felt so angry about it but I did not shoot it out to them. From today onwards, I won't promise any help unless if I feel like to. It will be the end of so called "Nic the good guy". As I mentioned before, I'll respect whom I should & I'll help whom I should. Lastly, being class rep is not what I feel like it. I heard my friend told me today, "You are too good coz you did everything. That's why we chose you as class rep". Bullshit!!!! A class rep can't be a good class rep if he or she does not want to take the responsibilities seriously. I've tried to quit this post but can't. Nobody wants to take it over. When I don't do my part of the work, they say "what a useless class rep?". Why don't you take it then? Why want to make yourself be in the class with the useless class rep? Vote someone else if you think they can do work better than me. I don't mind coz I'm out. Well, at least I feel better now for letting all out here. Finals are around the corner. Tips are given & all I need to do is work on it. Work HARDER!!! Finally all practical classes have end. Only 6 subjects & I only left 4 days to study. Tomorrow still got event, Saturday got reunion & Sunday got meeting. So many more event & time is running out... NOOOOOO!!!!!

MYOB!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-23T21:57:00.002+08:00

So tiring after almost more than half a day in kitchen. B&P 2 exam wasn't that hard or shall I say lucky to draw the recipe of Custard & Almond Tort. Though it does not look the way it suppose, the mark I got still quite high. Probably because of my explanation of my product was kind of good. After the exam, I did some mise en place for tomorrow's buffet. So many peeling, cutting, slicing, chopping & etc. Half way through the work, I feel like saying MYOB to some people. It is my decision on what I do. It may be very personal but I did not specify who. I'll know who to respect & who to be said MYOB. Just leave me.

Going Through It

2009-11-22T22:27:00.007+08:00

Finally I have the energy to write something here. No more assignments, last practical this coming week & final exams in a week time. Wasn't really worried about finals. Since it's only just an exam. Pass or fail, nothing much I can do.
Yesterday was the event about food & wine pairing. I chose the F&B service staff as it's my interest in this department. Had a lot of fun with the seniors, servings, cleaning up & also photo shooting with them. In addition to it, I got a lot of empty wine bottles for flairing practice. Though I couldn't attend the open day flairing performance, all I can do now is wait for next year's open day. After the event, we went for supper tea at Ming Tien. This time, we showed our true colors as in what we usually were. Work is work which we have to be kinda serious. But after work, we are what we are. Though I may not know the seniors well yet, but we are going out for industrial training together. Probably I'll know them more. This coming Thursday I heard there'll be another event. But clashes with French class. I hope can postpone the class or bring it earlier so that we can go for the event. Gotta do my research now for tomorrow's exam. Just go through it & it'll end without any worry.

New Post

2009-11-19T00:25:00.003+08:00

Meeting just finished few hours ago. Got new post for the RC committee. Should I be happy or worry about new jobs coming soon. But as usual, 1 thing that keeps me off problems is being with them. I felt more less tense being with them compared to others. Not to say others are bad but depends on how I socialize with them. Tomorrow going to have 2 test & 1 assignment to hand in. Can I make it? Time is tide, waits for no men.

What is Friend?

2009-11-18T13:11:00.002+08:00

I'm seating alone at level 5 of my college now. Supposingly going for lunch supporting my friends in our restaurant but due to some reasons, I'm not. Wanted to go eat somewhere else but couldn't think of any. Now sitting here again doing usual stuff, thinking. What is in my thoughts now is friendship. Having a lot of friends are good. But sometimes I felt left out. Some of them who were once very close to me, now is like a gap between us. Some was I chose not to be so close. I afraid there will be any special feeling created which I do not wish it to happen again. I felt like no longer got a mood to be together with anyone. Is like I rather be alone forever but only thing I don't understand is, either alone or not, I'm not happy at all. I can go practice my flairing now, I can complete my assignments now, I can do revision now, but why I didn't? I see people around with friends, couples, family. They seemed to be very happy. But I'm always down. If I have only 1 wish for my life, I can't think of any. I don't even remember what was my wish previously. My sickness is getting serious day by day. I don't feel like doing anything to it. The mood is no longer there. I'm no longer normal if I were to continue be like this. Ending up being alone without any friends, family or anyone.

Choices & Emotions

2009-11-16T01:04:00.002+08:00

I now have 2 choices with me. I'm given an opportunity for flaring during college open day. But it falls on my family's planned holiday trip. Which 1 should choose? I'm really interested in flaring compared to kitchen. As in more to F&B part. But then my family had paid the flight tickets. Sigh... Why do we human being always given so many choices in life. How I wish I can say no to the holiday. I've been to the place before twice. Next year I might not have the opportunity again coz new learners will join in from time to time. Sigh...
Sometimes I really feel like hiding my emotions while outing with friends. I don't know why I could not mix well with them. Is like I'm clueless in their topic of conversation. What I do is only walk away & see other stuff. That happened to me tonight. It was my friend's birthday. They went to play Bowling & Mini Basketball Throwing. I did not join but just looking at them playing. They might think I'm anti-social but I wish I could join in. Was it coz I don't like it when they are better than me? Some of the people who really cared about me had advised me to change but I don't know how. If that's the case, must why I suffer through my sickness & being alone always if I were to care all these...

Recovering Days

2009-11-12T21:16:00.004+08:00

Finally can go back to college yesterday. Didn't know why I got so much appetite while dining at the training restaurant. Probably coz I didn't ate much during those 2 days. After lunch, I felt a bit difficult in breathing. I suspected it's my old asthma attack. After evening class, I went to the clinic & found out it's just caused by my fever. My HBP has getting lower too. Thought of sleeping early but then have to complete my french assignment. Finally got my inspiration of how I wanna do it. But didn't know my color pen were all missing since the last time my sis used it. Got so angry but then got another idea later on.
This morning went to college early just to complete the final touch-up of the assignment. Got so rush & last minute completing my presentation slides. Luckily we only need to present a max of 12 sentences. So I had nothing to worry but just nervous. I can never feel relax for any presentation though I'm prepared. Or maybe not. Went for flairing practice with my friends after class. Seems like day by days I didn't get any better in flairing. But this is what I wanted to learn. I'm not giving up on this.

Hate Being Sick

2009-11-09T20:00:00.002+08:00

Last Saturday had high school librarian gathering. They invited most of the ex-librarians but only 2 showed up. All the teachers were glad to see us back. Not all of course but the ones whom are close to us. Unfortunately I had to leave early cause had team building in the college for the Wine Pairing event. The activities started at 3pm & ended at 5pm. Had fun during the activities. Again my group won the 1st place since the previous event which is "A Night with the Phantom".
Yesterday, I went to 1 Utama with my mom. Accompany her shopping & also bought a new jacket cause my previous jacket has been used since last year & not washed yet. Kinda dirty though. Now I finally got a new jacket & the previous 1 can be wash. In the evening, I felt my stomach really uncomfortable. In addition, I felt very cold though my air-cond is not on & also whole body ache. I suspected I'm going to be sick soon. When comes to after dinner, I suffered on my bed. My whole body is like not listening to me. It just felt pain until I don't feel like moving a muscle. My dad brought me to the clinic & the doctor said I was food poisoned & had minor fever. Luckily I went to clinic early or else have to admit hospital. After taking the medication, I went to bed. But I couldn't sleep. My mind is like still active imagining a lot of things. Woke up a few times vomiting & diarrhea. Just this morning I can have a good sleep. The whole day today I felt so tired & sleepy. I had being sick. Lots of things I couldn't do. Until now, my body is still weak. The doctor asked me to rest for 2 days to recover. Hopefully I can go back to college on Wednesday.

Dramas During the Weekend

2009-11-01T21:06:00.002+08:00

The drama I mentioned yesterday, was actually a complete series till I watched the episode 4 today. I did not expect it'll end like that. Must a true love be sacrificed to save one another? There are lots more love story in this world which we haven't seen. But I rate this drama 5 out of 5. I love it.
Other than watching dramas, of course I did some homework. Can't consider as a homework nor an assignment. Just I have to compile all the proposals from my group members to become 1 complete proposal. Hopefully this time will not have any mistakes after the discussions during the presentation.
In the afternoon, I went to have lunch with my family then bought some new DVDs. So far I've watched 1 movie today which is "Laughing Gor - A Turning Point". It's about an undercover cop in the triads whereby he has to face all types of obstacles either with his triads mates or the police cadet. Difficult decisions made in every move & he succeeded it in the end. The ending again did not disappoint me at all. I wonder how do all the directors have such a creative & knowledge in so many types of characters in this world. I think it's not easy being a movie director at all compared to actors or actresses. I remember it was once happen to me that I have to be so called a spy. Not really in action pack those type but just among friends. It's already past years ago. Don't feel like mentioning it. It's a bad memory which I made a big mistake. Anyway, more movies to watch but 1st thing 1st, I have to complete my proposal now.

Time is Ticking

2009-11-01T01:20:00.003+08:00

The whole afternoon I've been watching a Korean drama named "All This Love". It's a story about a guy & a girl who love each other but both have sickness & dying soon. The guy work as gangster while the girl is a singer going to be. She fainted while the guy was stucked in a building collapsed. Both of them were sent to the same hospital. It wasn't revealed to anyone but they both knew that 1 day, either 1 of them will go first. This is where their love begins. I borrowed this series from the library. Unfortunately is until episode 4. Probably next week I'm going to speedy or popular bookstore to see if they got sell. Then I'm getting 1 copy of it for myself.
In the evening, I went for a dinner at the Herbalife company with my family. There were 1 coach talked to me about my health. He was happy that the product helped me to reduced my HBP but he was shocked at the same time. He said there is 1 indicator that I'm having a "time bomb" in my body currently. I forgot what was it but the normal ratings suppose to be in between 1 to 9. I'm at the rate of 12 currently. My other indicators was fine except this. If I don't start doing something about it, I may fall anytime soon. People may think I'm stupid in believing all these but what if it's true? Do I blame them for not believing me? It made my parents worry more now. Sigh... Why have I become like that. Thanks to my urge of eating non-stop. Sometimes I don't feel like eating but where can I go without my friends? They all for sure have to eat & I'll always say "yes" to the question 'Wanna go eat?'. Why can't I say no? There are so many more things I haven't done yet. How I wish my fate is the same as the guy from that drama. I want to really find "the one". Maybe is not time yet but I know that day will come. I may be desperate for 1 but I'm happy for those who found theirs. I wish them stay happy & together forever. My previous relationship wasn't really a relationship. To me, probably the relationship was just like bro & sis. But anyway, that was a few years back. I now consider myself don't have ex-relationship before. So why worry? No use thinking back.

Party & Cuts

2009-10-31T00:59:00.004+08:00

Halloween party at college tonight was fun. Never had so much fun before. Didn't know I could at least dance for the 1st time. Though it's not quite good but I'm having fun throughout the whole time. Reached home already, slipped while bathing & got several cut on my wrist. Lucky it's not at the vein part. If not I'll ended up in a hospital now. This whole week damn unlucky. Got cut at my finger during cooking class, got a small cut just now while shifting tables here & there & finally got cut at wrist. Sigh... That's why I believe,'Accidents Can Happen Anytime at Anywhere to Anyone'. It has proven this week for my self. French assignment date due coming up. Gonna have to try finish it during this weekend.

Never Ending Assignments

2009-10-31T00:43:00.002+08:00

Due to so many assignments to do, I couldn't get enough sleep these days. On Wednesday was my day to present my group's F&B proposal. We procrastinated & this is what happen. After the practical class on Tuesday, we stayed back & tried to complete as many as possible. Unfortunately, we couldn't finish. My friend decided to over night at my house to complete her group as well. It was the second time I did not sleep even an hour for the assignment. The next day presentation went quite well. There wasn't much correction to do. After that, as usual, went for a nap during IT class.

Unexplained

2009-10-26T22:49:00.002+08:00

10.50pm now. I haven't even start my research yet. Out of sudden, I feel like crying. I feel a whole lot of me empty. I couldn't cry out. What was I thinking? Am I too tired? I can't go to sleep now. Haven't even start my research yet. How can a hotelier give up so fast? But why am I feeling so sad? Why do i keep thinking? Why the word "DIE" is in my head again? T.T

Not a Good Day

2009-10-26T19:40:00.005+08:00

Early morning woke up did some sandwiches & went out late from house. Car petrol ran out but the petrol refill machine doesn't accept my petrol card. Have to come out with Rm10 to pay first. Was very late about 7.30am but unfortunately there were so many parking spaces still available. Weird... Theory classes were normal today but felt kind off sleepy. Probably my mind wasn't sleeping while I'm sleeping. This is true as what my doctor told me. But luckily my HBP had decreased till 148 which is a big improvement. I don't know if the Herbalife which helped me or the pills. But anyways, I'm feeling much better in terms of my health. During lunch, I thought just eat my sandwich would be enough. But I don't know why I got the urge of spending my money. Why can't I just stop eating so much. No idea how to do so. After lunch, as usual practical class. Do I really feel better being alone like before? Some said I've changed but I felt like it's just a script from a drama which I'm acting. Some were being nice to me but on the other hand, taking advantage from me. Some were starting to gossip about me which I'm having a girl friend. Is it wrong to have a girl as a close friend? Now I understand the feeling of being gossiped by other people. If I have a wish to make for today, I wish I can't talk so the words will not hurt any one's feeling. If I'm too excited, I'll talk a lot. If I'm down, people may think I want to take their pityness. Why when we are feeling the way we feel, they say we are acting? As days goes by, I don't seem to understand the world anymore. 1 really really bad thing I did today. Not very bad though but I felt bad. There is always a limit while talking to people. Through their ranking as friends, lecturers, parents, officers or anyone. I can never stop hurting people's feeling unless I seal my mouth. Should I? Will they feel happy if I do so?

A Tired Weekend

2009-10-25T22:31:00.003+08:00

Early morning woke up did sandwiches for my family as breakfast. Did not expect to wake up so early during weekends which is as early as 6am. Thought of going back to sleep but was too awake after doing the breakfast. Ignored the sleep & watched some TVB dramas. Went to my aunt house at about 9am to do some pastry. I've finally made my own paris-brest. It's similar to cream puff but this is shape of a circle while cream puff is like a pau. Later, I went to pyramid with old school mates. We watched "Pandorum", which I think it's not worth watching it in cinema. Not to say it's not good but it is similar to "Alien". Nothing special from it other than scaring the viewers. Got hit by 1 of my friend everytime she got scared. It's good also. It made me not to sleep in the movie. After the show, we went for dinner & lastly return home. Feeling super tired but still got loads of assignments. Sigh....

F.A.M.I.L.Y.

2009-10-19T22:25:00.002+08:00

Today I got so happy. Most of my friends said I've changed. To good of course. I hope it's true. Probably it depends on my mood whether I can be happy or not. I just can't judge. Though I may feel very down sometime but I'm not taking pityness from anyone to accompany me or something. It's just I don't have the mood to feel happy. Making cocktails was fun in the training restaurant today. I've made a cocktail named "Screwdriver". Taste not so bad as the orange juice diluted the taste of Vodka. Tasted quite a lot of cocktails today & made me felt quite sleepy after the class. Lucky I could drive home safely.
Reached home when my family having dinner. Then watched "I Not Stupid Too". I've watched several time & still I'm impressed with their acting. Parents who neglected their children due to earning money for their living. Parents who did everything for their children own good but they did not want to appreciate it. Teachers who tried their best to teach the students but ended up in media with bad impressions. Public who never care about the current teenagers problem as they thought we teenagers are way too different from their generations. This movie had made me think how lucky I am to have my parents who still care for me, gave me what I wanted which they could afford & spend time talking & outings with us. Most of the time, it made me put myself in the situation & it was so touching till I cried while watching it. After the movie ends, it made me refresh a lot of bad thoughts I had. I complained that why I got this car but not the car I wanted. I complained about my friends are having a better phone than mine. I've complained about they have more caring parents than me. I've complained that their siblings are better than mine. But 1 thing I did not realize is, I have all the things that some of my friend don't have. I do have a car which some of them don't have. I have a phone with colored screen which some of theirs are just black words with a light behind screen. I have parents who still give me pocket money which some of my friend just have to work part-time to get it. I also have my siblings who still greet me though I treated them bad. There is 1 word from that show which brings out from my heart & said it.

F.A.M.I.L.Y. = Father And Mother, I Love You.

Appreciate for what you have.

Off Bad Habit

2009-10-18T10:30:00.003+08:00

Every starting of the week, for sure there are something coming up that will increases the stress. What would happen to this world if there are no stress? There are none any job which don't have any stress. Even cleaners do face the same thing. Facing unlimited toilet bowls everyday. It just pop out in my thoughts out of sudden, 'if there are no stress, there is no life'. Having stress means we have something to do. That makes us work everyday as it teaches us new things day by day. The proposals project has been over. Except that we have to expect there will be some changes last minute. Few more assignments to go & an exam coming up this week. French exam, I don't think it's easy especially the grammar. Gotta work it out some how. Bringing food to school from home which I think I can save up my money. I was shock that I checked my savings last night, I only have a few coins left. What was I spending on? Probably some toys which I did thought it's worth to collect. But seems like the collection has been temporary stopped. Now I have to work something out to save the RM60 bill every week. Starving, I think is a good idea. It helps me to save up my allowance & also for me to lose the habit of eating non-stop. Have to also look for a job to get more money. Money don't come in easily. Everyday seeing my friends treating me. I don't feel good. I felt like as if they are bringing a beggar from road side & feed him with free good food. It has to end now. No money, no eating. That's it. I can't have the habit of borrowing money all the time. Though they say I can return back in a long term duration. Probably this week, I won't have any money left as I have to return it to my friends. Another RM55 more to go & I'm off debt from anyone. Then I can start saving the money. Hopefully my method of saving money works.

Stay or Quit?

2009-10-07T00:13:00.009+08:00

The duty on Sunday was nothing. It's just to show as if we did something. But I think it's normal for this event. Accidents can happen anytime. Unpredictable. Most of them said I'm weird coz I saved a kitten in the drain. But I don't think it's funny. Though it's the drain is not deep. But looking at it crying either hungry or lonely, any human being who have a heart will sure save it right? Though it's not cute, but it sticks to me after a few times I took it off from the drain. Unfortunately I can't keep it. My family believes all these 'feng shui' stuff which I think I'm not into it. Even my baby hamsters, they asked me to throw it away. Sigh... Still misses them. Wonder how are they now? Are they still breathing?

Just yesterday we had a BBQ party in 1 of my friend's house. Had a lot of fun yesterday especially water game. It's been almost a year since I last payed water in high school. Unfortunately, I didn't knew I was so heavy that a water gun broke when I stepped on it. Just got a small cut under my foot & hope there won't be any infection. While fetching my friend back to his hostel, he asked me this question :

"If there is this girl whom you loved, told you that she loves you but she is with another guy coz of some reasons, what would you do? Would you go for it?"

I couldn't answer that coz I think I have no hope in love. All the time I like a person, a girl of coz, she will have liked someone else. Someone better than me. Is it wrong to confess? I'm being such a coward for not confessing the last time I had the chance. Though I do like someone now, but I will not dare to take another step forward to ask. I've hurt once. April 1st is never the day I'll be happy. It will forever tells me a lesson that not to be a coward. Being as a friend which I think would be better so we will not feel so awkward.

Only just as I assume that today will have something comes up which increases my stress. Didn't know I have to do those again. It was last year party where I did this but this time is for college. I hated it. Why want it to be so troublesome? I don't understand. Sometimes it made me think if I want to quit the course. Though it's the one I chose but seems like as time goes by, my interest is losing from minutes to minutes. But what should I do? Stay a coward? Wondering...

Money Money Money

2009-10-03T23:26:00.002+08:00

All my savings has been used up. Now going back for duties to get as much allowances as possibles. But of course I'm gonna really have to commit in the duty & not just for money. I've been inactive for quite a long time. Today went for a duty in KL. It was still ok as there were lots of minor common injuries to settle. 1 thing I hate about today is I've wasted 4 hours of supposingly my rest time after duty, to find my way out of KL but ended up drove to Cheras then head to LDP. It's like a whole circle I've been driving. Another thing is the jam. As usual, massive traffic jam is not a good situation when you are driving a manual car. Sigh... I'm not gonna drive into KL, no matter for a duty or leisure, until I get a GPS. Now I'm gonna have to collect money for that device. Maybe I'm gonna eat bread everyday to save that weekly RM60 I'm getting from my parents. Transformers figures gonna have to stop collection from now. Money to me now is more important. Tomorrow, there's gonna be another duty. 7.30am starts. Sigh... A holiday is always not a holiday to me.

Working Fun

2009-09-27T00:00:00.004+08:00

Whole day working in KL today. Thanks to small kid who accompanied me down working with me. While working, we did some IQ test on each other that made us not so bored. Moreover, she treated me some dessert after work while I drove her around PJ. Really enjoyed working with her as we joke around. Hopefully we did a great job which satisfies the employer. Gotta sleep now as tomorrow gonna go out at 6am for VAD duty.

Ups & Downs

2009-09-23T23:14:00.002+08:00

Many things happen past few days. Not all are bad but also not good things. It had been as bad as inserting a car park ticket into monorail station machine & made me to pay RM35 to the shopping mall just to exit the car park. It could be as good as my HBP finally had some improvement but not so much yet. Tell me if I'm wrong, life is full of ups & downs, is it? When we are sad, everything goes moodless. When we are in anger, everything just doesn't seem right. When we are happy, everything is just gonna be like I'm having a lucky day. Some events made me think a lot these days. 1st thing in my mind now is saving as much money as I can. Not for Transformers but for my expenses next year when going for industrial training. I believe there are more collections to go but nothing is more important than my expenses for next year. Money don't comes easy. It needs to be earn by working for someone or a company with hard work effort. Trying to look for a part time job but has to depends on the limit I can take it since my HBP finally decreases a bit. 2nd is I'm gonna have to go to gym for work out. It's the only place I can have some exercise. Though I had a field in front of my house but I seems to be lazy coz it's just opposite my house. Due to financial problems, I have to try work it out at the field. When to start? Holidays coming, mid terms coming, assignments date due coming & yet I'm still procrastinating it. Gonna have to really set my mind back to study.

Hate...

2009-09-14T22:54:00.002+08:00

Finally I have the money to return back to all of them. Don't wanna know where I got it from. As long I don't owe them so long. Of coz I can't pay everyone but the 1st few in my waiting list. Nothing much to write these days as daily routines keep repeating. Had some problems with some people. Can't specifically mention is who coz it'll be very obvious. I only can say 1 thing, if you don't like it, so do I. Bug off!!! Though I am not as experience, as old, as mature of them, I am also a human being. I have likes & dislikes. I don't need to be control. Manipulation does not work on me. Finally my mom came back from her trip. Went to fetch her but my dad's the driver. We picked her from air port & head straight home. Did not talk anything coz worrying about soon to come stuff. Why worry? Coz "Procrastination" is flowing in my blood. How I wish I can stay somewhere near college so I don't have to travel so far in & out. If I were to stay in hostel, I don't have to wake up so early in the morning like 5.30 to prepare breakfast while class starts at 8am. Then after college, have to drive back through the stupid damn traffic jam in Subang. As I know myself quite well. I have a sickness which fall asleep while driving. I did not told my parents about it nor the doctor. Sigh... Tomorrow have to do flambe during practical class. Hope I can do it.

What Should I Do???

2009-09-10T23:19:00.009+08:00

Was very emo that day causes me to write those. Will try not to post bad things I've gone through next time but I don't want to keep it in my heart. How I wish if there were someone who will listen my heart & talk about it. Happy things that I've gone through these days were:

1. Received cheese cake baked by my chef.
2. Started to do some revision but I don't think it's enough. It made me happy anyway.
3. Trying my best to build a friendship relationship though it's difficult. Succeeded a bit, I think.
4. Watched 'Dance Flick' though it's a very "mou liu" show. Helped me to relax my mind a bit.
5. Fetch my chef to school which made me more conscious when driving. Prevent accident again.
6. Played with my friend's puppy though I can't have 1. Always sticks to me. Very cute.
7. Fetch my mom to a place to wait for taxi to airport. Get to see her for the last time before she leaves Malaysia. But for just 5 days of course. Missing her.
8. Had dinner with my high school mates at the training restaurant. The best time for me to have a fun social with them.
9. Made a club sandwich for dinner but of course not that good. Did not follow recipe but whatever is in the refrigerator.
10. Got new Transformers figures yet still owing money.

There are also things which I worries. Owing my friends RM105 for the toys. Exams coming but having not enough preparation. Group assignment again teamwork problems. Hate being middle person. Said that for quite a lot of times. Other than that, these days round I can feel my heart beat very obviously. It's like pumping very hard & quite fast which causes me a bit dizzy. Has the medicine did not work for the high blood pressure? Am I really gonna leave that young? It's possible, said by the doctor. Youngest patient who had HBP was 14 years old but a patient died at the age of 16. Sigh... Was it because I worry too much? I should feel much better coz I told some of my friends who listens to me about the accident I've caused. But shouldn't I've stop worrying? Day by day getting tired though I slept early. Don't know why but don't dare to imagine "it'll" happen. Are most teenagers like that? ~thinking~

Live to DIE

2009-09-08T21:17:00.004+08:00

Did not have the mood to blog these days till today. Was wondering which assignment, research, homework or revision to start first. What is so nice about Facebook? How come I'm addicted to it? There are so many more important things I haven't done. Today's practical class, I believe I failed if it's an exam. But what can I do? Lazy me for not doing research. Stupid me for don't even think before I do. Useless me for doing things wrongly. Hopeless me if I were to cook for even just 4 pax. Sigh... Blame who? Blame me, myself & I. What I did after the class? I was speeding back home to relieve all the things that I hate myself for doing it & guess what? I caused an accident. Well, not me in the situation. I cut through some cars & behind car had an emergency brake & BOOM! Not my fault. I just sped away. Seems like they may remember my car number. Waiting for the police to come get me if they can. What should I do? Go through my life normally & wait things to happen & worst to come. What else can I do? No one is gonna rely on me. They won't "Nic, can help me?". It won't happen anymore. I'll try to stay away from people as far as possible. Especially those which I knew. Unless if I want to be with them. If not, ignore me. Let me rotten alone. Hate to live. Eat to live or live to eat? I prefer live to die. What is the purpose of living? The answer is live on a normal life & die when your time ends. When will be my time? I think I'm gonna take that Facebook quiz "When will you die?". Hope it's the result I get. Can't wait to see the answer. H1N1. Should I wish for it?

Action Figures' Posessing Me!!!

2009-09-02T23:27:00.003+08:00

Lucky my body-ache didn't get worse today. Brought my Transformers collection today to college & bought 4 from my friend. Now my collection has increased to 23. Crap!!! I've spent RM575 for all these. But I don't feel 'heart-pain' coz it's my interest. There are so many more my friend has but I can't buy all of them. My savings are finishing soon. Had to stop for the moment. maybe for a week. Till I get my allowance next week. After lunch, went to LT6 to rest. Finally I'm back to my 3rd home but not for a long time. I only can use it when there are no classes. After the afternoon class, went to the sick bay to rest before the dinner with the VADs. The food this time wasn't so good. The place looked compact. The uncooked food is kept in a can drink chiller. Weird... Didn't ate much coz maybe too tired or sleepy. After dinner, head straight back home. Played game for a while & going to bed soon...

Body-Aching Hurts!!!

2009-09-01T22:46:00.002+08:00

The practical class wasn't so bad at all. Just that I felt so isolated coz the bar is far away from the guests. Just prepared less than 4 cups of drinks. Kinda boring job as a bartender. Maybe today my luck wasn't that good. After the practical class, we had to shift all old tables to the store & chairs to level 6 so we can put in the new ones. Slept about 3 hours the night before because of researching on the menu of the day & planned to go back straight after the practical but didn't know had to stay back till 6pm. Till then, driving back also jam all the way. 1 feet on clutch controlling, another controlling accelerator & brake with the stupid F&B shoe. Causes blisters on my feet. Accelerate & stop interval for 30 minutes of driving back. Damn super tired. Lucky this time I didn't fall asleep. Reached home & planned to sleep but then watched TVB dramas & played games. Feeling whole body-aching. Hopefully tomorrow won't get worst coz had VAD steamboat dinner. Gonna "Laugh Till We Drop Again". I think. Haha... Never fails.

Stupid Reservation!!!

2009-09-01T00:12:00.002+08:00

Planned to finish up my assignments but don't know why I keep procrastinate it. Tomorrow gonna have F&B 3 practical class but haven't done any research? Can't find any reservations. Sigh... Prepared to get scolding by the lecturer. But it's not my fault! It's fasting month for Muslims, most of our friends are interested but they have classes, & some because of financial problems. Keep replying, "you pay for me then I go la". WTH!!! Sigh... Is this gonna be like this forever? If I were to tell all these to my lecturer, she's not gonna believe it until she see's it with her own eyes. Never mind. As long I know, God knows. Whole afternoon I just look at my lap top screen. In msn & facebook. Trying my very best to get friends to come for the dining. In the evening, went to IOI mall with my family. Bought some new trousers, t-shirts & some CDs. Finally I get to buy back those CDs which I can't find long time ago. Not so expensive though. Affordable. Anyway, preparing myself to die tomorrow if I haven't get any reservation by 11.59am tomorrow. Although bartender doesn't need to serve but still, I can't just see my friend get scolded coz of can't find people. Sigh... Hate this semester's practical class timing. Just not right. Some of them told me it's a task given by lecturers so we can find a way to solve it. Right... If I can't find any then what should I do? Quit the job? Blame it on others? Blame on those who can't come? Hmm... I'm gonna do what I should do know. Digging a grave, preparing for myself. We'll see how tomorrow.

Merdeka Celebration Just Wasted Like That

2009-08-31T02:15:00.002+08:00

Suppose to finish up my assignments today but ended up sleep, watch tv, play facebook games, sleep, eat, sleep then eat again... Kinda used up my whole day doing things I wanna do. But lucky towards midnight, my old school mate asked me out for a drink. Not alcohol of coz. I had to drive back after that. Just called 2 cups of drinks & watched football games while chatting. Suppose more people will come but ended all busy with their course assignments. Reached home at almost 2 am but don't feel sleepy yet. Still facebooking. Haha...

Holiday Weekend

2009-08-30T09:24:00.002+08:00

Yesterday morning went to a friends' house to do wine assignment. We were asked to do red wine from scratch. Cutting grapes, crushing it, add in yeast, cover with a balloon. After the process of making it, we hang around at the living room while watching a concert video. Left at about 2pm & went for lunch in medan. After lunch, went home straight then got ready to go 1 Utama with my family. It's been a long time I didn't go back to grandma's house. Sure she missed me a lot. Since I have not much work to do, I decided to go there. Our family routine during Saturdays is like going to 1 Utama in the afternoon then go grandma's house. It's not very far though. When reached 1 Utama, we went to Toy R Us. Finally I can get those Transformers figures there. Bought around 6 of them. This time I didn't borrow money of course. My mom bought it for me. She's also a Transformers fan. So when she saw it, she'll definitely buy it. So if I want to shop for Transformers, I'll have to bring my mom along. As usual finished shopping, we went to grandma's house. Took a nap then had dinner. My grandma can really gain back my appetite with all her dishes. It's been a week & I never had that big appetite before. Ate quite a lot. After dinner, we brought my mom to clinic. She wasn't feeling well. Having soar throat & cough. Hopefully she'll recover soon. Reached home & got so anxious to unbox the figures. Even my mom got so excited & helped to unbox it. We've calculated & found out we've collected 19 of them. We know there are still more of them outside. They are waiting for us to get it. Haven't take any picture of them yet to post here coz there were no nice background. Have to start do assignments now.

Start Save Money!!!

2009-08-29T00:52:00.003+08:00

Went to look for my ex high school mate once reached college. Played some PSP games then went for IT practical class. We were introduced to used the Microsoft Word. It's kinda bored but I learnt quite a number of new things such as name of the function & types of menu available. Not so bad after all. French class, we learnt about pronouncing alphabets. It's like rapping when we all said it together. Think it can help me to remember them. Haha... Had my lunch which I brought from home. Malaysian study, I have no more comments about it. Not gonna comment anymore after this. Just 1 thing, I better study it myself & just show my face in class to take attendance. After the class, my friend & I planned to go for a movie. We waited for another friend of ours to done his job. I waited till I fell asleep in audi 6. Seems like audi 6 is also a nice place to sleep. Can say I slept maybe at least 1/2 hours. With cushioned bench & air conditioned room. Maybe it could replace my 3rd home. After all the waiting, my friend couldn't go for the movie coz the timing of the movies are very late. So i decided to go home. On the second thought when I was halfway home, I changed my mind & drove back to Pyramid to watch the movie alone. Once there, some of my course mates & lecturer chefs were there too. We went for dinner & 1 of the chef brought me to all the action figures shop. We walked like everywhere & again today I bought another 2 Transformers figures. Again he lend me money to buy it. I know I've borrowed quite a lot of money nowadays. Gonna have to pay back them by next week. I think I'm gonna bring home food to college once I got my allowance. I don't want to owe them so long though they knew me. I'm not gonna starve but just having some bored food. Tomorrow I have to make wine. Hopefully it can be a success since it's not easy.

Losing Appetite!!!

2009-08-27T23:33:00.002+08:00

Done some research on the menu that we had to serve next Tuesday when I reached college. Was kinda interesting when there are new words that I found out today. Those were the words that describes the ingredients that I didn't knew it was the name. Started class at 9am in my 3rd home. Finally. I get to use back that room. After that, I had French class. Too many new terms I've learnt today. It's a bit confusing but it should be easy after days. The worst class I ever had today was Malaysian study. I can't seem to understand what the lecturer is teaching. Frankly speaking, I don't even knows what's the lecturer's name. Don't know & don't care. After class, some of us went to carrefour to get some wine making ingredients. Halfway searching for it, one of my friend & I spotted Transformer's merchandise & it's the 1 I've been waiting for. He & I have no cash with us. Thanks to another friend of ours who lend some money to us. Haha... Finally I got a new figure & it's not only 1 but 3. Went back home & showed to my mom. She might not be happy coz I spent money for those but she's also a fan of Transformers. So she also just forget it. Hehe... As usual I slept but this time is only about 1/2 hour coz I was lying down on the living room's sofa. It can keep me awake several times so I don't have to take a long nap coz it's already dinner time. I tried to force myself to eat some though I don't seem to have appetite. Kinda feel like puking after eating those. Something is really wrong with my appetite. I don't seems to have the urge of eating dinner though I'm hungry. Could it be the pills that I'm taking that affects me? It's just a HBP control pills but I hope it's not the coz of it. After that as usual played some facebook games. Seems like my whole family has addicted to the games such as Restaurant City, Farm Town, Farm Ville, Bejewelled, Pet Society & many more. Except my grandma of coz. We are like facebook crazies. But it's kinda of family fun. Gonna have to complete all my assignments as soon as possible. Next week will have a new assignment coming up. Sigh...

Problems Concerned

2009-08-26T22:44:00.004+08:00

Whole day of lecture classes made me feel super tired. CKO & F&B practical class for sem 3 sounds very complicated. More tests, assignments, research & stress is coming soon. Haven't even start marketing yet. Still searching for friends to come dine-in in our restaurant. This sem's practical class falls on Tuesdays. All of them are having classes on that day. Sigh... Tough duty. Lazy to think about it. After class, I drove back home. This time, I felt a bit sleepy. But found out 2 ways to make sure I'm awake when driving. Is either I'll sms or eating titbits which can keep me awake in some percentage. Reached home again I straight sleep till this time is until 9pm. Woke up & found out the dinner prepared, all contains high in salt. It's all my favourite food but I don't know why now, when I see those, I lost all my appetite. What's wrong with me nowadays? Miscommunication with friends, sleepy while driving, no appetite during dinner, body-ache, headache, & acting aggressive sometimes. What has I become into? I don't dare to think so much coz it might change my mind set. I don't dare to tell my parents about it. It'll make them worry about another thing. I can hardly find time to do research, assignment & homework. Sometimes I do feel like giving up. Not in study but my life. I can't cope up with all these like others can. I must admit that I'm weaker than others. Compared to those who have more pressure than me but still moving on. I'm not. I'm weak. Weaker than anyone who lives on this planet. There's a lot more that I keep it to myself. I don't know who I can tell to? Where should I seek for answers? Sooner or later, my parent will find out. They are gonna question me for what's going on with me. I don't want to stop study but I'm clueless now. I'm feeling hopeless now. I can help other people but not as much as last time. Is this what everyone will feel as life moves on? I really don't know. Some will say that I'm stupid. Well, I am. For thinking all these. If something really happens someday to someone like me... I really don't dare to imagine. Have to act normal in college. Can't make myself too obvious with problems in my head. I hope, tonight, when I sleep, all my memories will be erased. Can it help me turn over a new leaf? Will this work for me?

Tired of Spring Cleaning

2009-08-25T23:23:00.003+08:00

Woke up early in the morning at around 5.30am & hope that I will have a good day to start. I felt so awake till I even can cook breakfast for my own for the 1st time just in 10 minutes time. By 6.30am I'm ready to go to college without even rushing. Compared to other days, I was rushing to pack all my things & leave at 6.45am. Maybe today could be my lucky day or something. Reached college & went up to 5th floor outside the chefs' office alone. Played some online games & watched drama series. Some asked me why I did not go to LT6 as it's my usual place when I come early? My 3rd home has been invaded by new sem students. It'll no longer be my 3rd home coz there were very few empty time slots which the room is release. Where else can I go other than outside chefs' office? 1 by 1 of my friend reached. I felt so ignored at 1st. I was thinking I'm being a bit selfish for the group assignment. Some of them were being chosen but they joined me. It's because of me, they have to separate from other team. I really felt so sorry about this & I can't forgive myself for making this happenned. Once everyone had reached, we clean up the restaurant & the kitchen. It was all a mess in the kitchen but the restaurant only needs to put in furniture. It ended around 11am & we went for lunch. After lunch, I drove home. It's so difficult to concentrate in driving when you are feeling sleepy. Most of the time I only open 1 eye & drive. I forced myself to wake up but it's not easy. I wanted to stop by & have a 10 minutes nap but I can't find a proper place to stop my car. No choice but have to force myself keep driving. Some of the time I was driving in the middle of 2 lane. Kinda scary but lucky there were no policemen. Reached home & slept until 7pm without even had a bath 1st. After woke up, had no appetite for dinner. Therefore just had a cup of oats as my dinner. After dinner, played some facebook games & update documents. Tomorrow will gonna have long hours of lectures. Hope I won't feel sleepy again.

Emotions Taking Over Me Again

2009-08-24T21:29:00.002+08:00

Classes was fun today. Learning new things & practical WSB class, we had to smell all types of alcoholic mixed liquid. There were fruits, herbs & other sweeties. But 1 thing that had brought my mood down today. Is like out of sudden, my other side of me came back out. A feeling of hate. A feeling of angry. A feeling of wanting to hit whatever I saw. I can't explain why I'm acting like that. It's all just the grouping for our assignment. Why am I so angry about it? I wish there's an explanation to what I felt today. I really hated group assignment. It never once satisfies me. The objectives for group assignment is to bond our workmenship together. But I disagree. I've experienced 3 person in a group but everything I did it myself. I had to put their name into the assignment as if they did something. This is the reason why I hate group assignments. As when I was feeling like that just now, I did something which I'm scared but I'm still doing it. I was speeding like mad. 120km/hr. Cutting lines here & there. I couldn't stop the anger in me. Once I reached home, I realized my car had some scratches. Probably I did not realized where did I got the scratch from but it's very scary. I really have to learn how to control my emotions. All along, I only knows love is a killing machine. But, emotion is also a very powerful killing machine. I know I was acting very scary but at least I did tried something to cooled myself down. Suddenly there's a mood for me to try something new. I was feeling kinda hungry & I went alone to giant to buy things that I planned in my head. I combine all the ingredients & made up a vegetarian sandwich. It tasted good & my mom love it. During that time, I've changed back to normal. When I thought back what I did this afternoon, I felt that I'm stupid. But I can't explain what was actually happening? Should I seek for psychology specialist. I've been acting aggressive these past few days but for no reason. Was it the reaction of my HBP? It can't be stress coz there hasn't any stress yet as we only got the 2nd assignment. I just hope that I'm alright. I don't want to seek any attention about all this as it will annoys me. Have to find a way to settle this down.

Sunday's The Best...

2009-08-23T23:51:00.005+08:00

Sunday is the perfect holiday every week I have. Woke up & 11am & missed breakfast. Brought my younger brother whom also just woke up, went for brunch or also can be lunch. Whole day I've been playing facebook game & at the same time doing assignment while chatting in msn. It's kinda like multi task but I'm not as good compared to other people who can do more than that at 1 time. In the afternoon, my right ankle was feeling kinda pain. It got sprained yesterday when I was coming down from the cinema room. Clumsy fella, that's what my mom will say. But I did not tell any of them. Just to make sure they don't worry about me. The last time I remembered because of my ankle sprained, my mom had to brought me to a don't know what specialist. He applied some traditional medicine on my ankle & wrapped up with a roller bandage. It's not gonna happen this time. Not when I have college classes. Coz I got practicals & classes which are all located north, south, east & west. Every time when I wrapped up my ankle, everyone is gonna look at me as if pitying me. No way I'm gonna let this happen. I'll just put less pressure on it. Hopefully tomorrow I can walk properly without letting anyone realizing it. In the evening, I went to The Summit for dinner with my family. My mom brought me to Subway to have dinner while others went to Old Town Kopitiam. She said that I have to start eating healthy food. Sigh... Anyway, Subway sandwich also not bad. Bought some DVDs then went back straight home. Finally my assignment is completed with pictures. Typings were done a few days ago. Just have to add in pictures as required by my lecturer's instructions. Printed out & felt proud coz i finished it. A lot of my friends asked me about the format. But I'm not sure if it's correct. Gonna hope for the best which the lecturer will accept it. After printed my assignments, I watched a movie which I wanted to watched again since years back. It's named "Micheal Jackson's Ghosts" by Stan Winston. The story is written by a famous book writer "Stephen King"

Tomorrow will have to test wines. Hopefully I don't get drunk. Maybe is not tasting but just smelling coz it's written analysis. Well, can't wait for tomorrow.

Went Movie with High School Friends

2009-08-23T00:02:00.004+08:00

Woke up at 10am & getting ready to go out. Today I've invited my high school mates out for a movie. Suppose to reach Summit at 11am as planned but ended up reached there at 12pm. As usual my timing will never be on time. They knew me very well. Around 6 of us went for the movie "UP". The name looked simple & the synopsis sounded as it could be interesting. I thought I was gonna fall asleep in the cinema but unfortunately, it was so interesting till I continue to the end. Some part could be bored but most of it is great. Some new great masterpiece by Pixars. I think I want to watch it again coz it really keep up my spirit. I finally realized that friendship is very important. Without them, some goals might not be achieved. Therefore, appreciate your friends from now on. Doesn't matter they are good or bad. 1 day you might realize you need them. After show, 3 of them went back & left the 3 of us. We went to have some tea while waiting time to pass. It's been like so long since the last time I talked to them other than in msn or sms. Kinda having fun today though it's not in Pyramid. A small & simple shopping complex & yet we are having fun. After fetching them home, I head back straight home. Thought of having a nap but then ended up doing my notes printing. Imagine just sit down in front of the laptop with a printer for 4 hours from 6.30pm till 11.30pm. Just printed out 4 subjects notes. At least it went well whereby the printer did not gave me any problems. Hopefully it's still working or else my mom is gonna nag me again.

Life is Priceless

2009-08-21T20:23:00.005+08:00

Same old routine this morning except for fetching my younger sis to school. She stayed at home for some reasons. Classes went quite well. I finally can pronounce French quite confidently but not in front of my lecturer. Anyhow, I tried in front of my friend whom had learnt French long time ago. He said I was good but it is impossible to get the correct pronunciation. As long it does not tuned away. During lunch time, I ate alone in 'Pink' Restaurant. I was thinking of some stuff. My friends did asked me to go for lunch with them but this time it's me who chose to be alone. What was I thinking? It's all about college stuff. I can't share it here coz it's too personal. All I can say is the situation has become like "Heaven & hell" (in Cantonese). It's been a long time not being into this situation but why did it come back? Does all class rep face the same thing? Or am I the only one thinking of all these things? Should I stop being class rep? Being class rep is great as you can control the whole class. Not control but I don't know the correct word to use. So then, for time being, I hope I don't get stressed out of it. Next week I'll have to go for my HBP check. I'm not gonna let this things affect my HBP rate which will causes me to go for lifetime medication. After class then I just drove back home. I was feeling so tired & sleepy till my brain was as if shut down for a few seconds. The next thing it works again, I realize I've drove that far without knowing what was in front of me. I felt so lucky that there were no cars right in front of me. With the speed I used to drove & the distance I've drove for that moment, it could've been my last moment to stay & see the earth. I'm really really lucky. That was the moment I felt how important is life. If it were the second chance given to me, I'll really really gonna appreciate it very well & gonna use it well. Life is priceless. You can't buy it although you owned the whole world. Once reached home, I slept straight until 7pm. I'm gonna do all my notes adjustments by tonight & hopefully I can start my revision by tomorrow.

Boring Classes

2009-08-21T00:48:00.002+08:00

Classes wasn't fun at all today. SWE briefing, French class & Malaysian study. All these classes made me felt sleepy. Can't comment much about it though. After classes, my chef asked me out for a movie. I was hesitating if I really want to go. I have no more expenses this week & I've used extra RM50. Isn't that too much or can say as over spend? If I don't bring money, I'll borrow from my friends but I can't do that all the time. It'll show that I'm like a beggar. Have to figure out a way to save money. Anyway, I really want to thank my chef for postponing the movie watching. I hope I can start saving money for entertainment, new text books, notes, assignment materials, food & drinks, accessories & nevertheless Transformers merchandises. Haha... Can't live without collecting them. So I went home after college & slept till 9pm. After dinner, I started reclean my room again. This time I wiped all the dust away. I can't believe the dust has invaded my room for months. My entire cloth turned black right after I just wipe a level of the shelves. Imagine there are 30 levels of that shelves. Haha... Just joking. I don't have that many shelves. Only have to wipe 2 leveled shelf & cleaned all my action figures collections. I've rearranged it all over again & it seems like as if I just moved into my room. New environment & fresh air finally. Tomorrow's class is going to be much more boring. But what can I do? I can't just miss any classes. All I can do is just go through it. Some of my friends asked me to "ponteng" & I told them that I'm not interested. Attendance is going to be taken as marks & there is another 2 years that I'm gonna be in that college. I don't want to have a bad records. Not even a single 1. Though sem 2 I've made a little bit of bad impressions to some lecturers but it is not gonna happen in sem 3. Hope I can do what I've said.